3 year old EA - where do I go from here?

[Matrix5]

I'd love to know if she's not interested

Well the one thing you do know is she is not interested in you.

Have you read the pursuit and distance thread?

She herself does not know what she wants. During heated arguments (usually when I bring up the OM), she gets defensive with the ‘you’re suffocating me with the spying and accusations, and there’s zero trust between us’.

When I tell her I’d be interested in fixing this this marriage (without begging, just a matter of fact), and ask her if that’s something she feels worth fixing, she replies with “I don’t know how to fix this and I don’t know if there’s anything left to fix”. When I suggested counseling she said she is not paying a pro to tell her what she already knows. When I explain that a pro will give us a 3rd party, neutral POV, she negates it by saying she doesn’t care of anyone’s opinion. That only her opinion is what counts in her book.

But then, if we stay away from arguments for a 2-3 weeks, and communicate correctly with each other, and I don’t trip and come up with sort of accusation with regards to OM, she seems to be slowly opening up to me. She even said so herself…. We go well for a couple of weeks, I’m starting to open up towards you, let you my whereabouts and who I’m going out with, just for you to accuse me of doing something with the OM. That’s just reopens the wound, and I get into shutting down mode again.

My problem always seems to just let go of the spying and snooping. No matter how many times I swore to stop doing it, I see her do something that doesn’t add up (like talking on her phone inside her parked car inside the garage – clearly for privacy), and so I can’t help myself but blurb something along the lines of “so you talking to OM in your car, early in the morning while I’m gone to work” (kids are home). That’s a comment that gets her all worked up again, and we begin a new vicious cycle.

I mean, it’s been 3 years. Could it be that her occasional outing to meet him are nothing more than just a drink? 3 year affair without her finally coming clean about it, wanting to move on from me? 3 years without it dying? Doesn’t this whole thing sounds like friendly/platonic relationship? I’m ok, as long as it doesn’t get physical in any shape or form. She’s allowed to meet, see, talk to, and chat with whoever she wants, so long as it doesn’t turn sexual.