First, why the forum you chose? Why FB? And if you don't feel bad about it (you repeated that many times in your post almost as if you were trying to convince yourself as much as us) then why did you take it down?
Good question. The reason FB was where I chose to vent about it was because that's just about the only contact I have with my friends and family. Friends are usually too busy (I should probably make more friends, honestly). My family all lives out of state, plus talking to them about this usually makes things harder for me because of THEIR emotional response, verbal overreaction, etc. I love my family, but they aren't exactly helpful in situations like this, so I just don't go to them for advice.
I took the post down because W basically begged me to. I debated not taking it down. I could tell when she called that she was seriously hurt by it. I didn't feel bad about making the post. I didn't feel bad at all about the effect. But I did feel bad about upsetting W. And I know that's kind of weak, in a way. Does she deserve it? Absolutely. Did I think she would get angry? Didn't care. Did I expect her to be actually sad about it? No. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not someone who wants to see her sad because of an action that I made...regardless of why I took my actions, all she's going to see is the things I did...not the things that she did to get to that point. Although I hope she considers that. But I took it down because it hurt me to know that I hurt her, and I respected her request.
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Were your intentions all about protecting son? Or was it more about getting at her? Breaking them up? Etc?
My intentions did evolve a bit. At first, I just wanted to know who this dude was that was spending time with S and sleeping with W. The more I found out, the more I knew that I had to get S out of the situation. It was never about getting back at her or breaking them up. Did it cross my mind? Not particularly. By the time I decided I needed to do something, I was beyond the point of caring about anything other than ensuring S's safety.
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If it were all about protecting son, why not call the police anonymously to report the illegal cobra keeping? Why make a big public splash? What were your true motivations for taking the steps that you took.
That was my first thought, actually. There are a few factors that went into that decision.
1) To file a report, they would need more than just "this dude posts pics of his snakes on social media". Since I had not been in his house personally, they would essentially have only social media posts and the second-hand information from a 4 year old source who thinks the guy has two different names. Not exactly a solid foundation for probable cause, but a solid foundation for thinking I'm crazy.
2) The stuff I found out had to be addressed. I knew that had I just taken it directly to W, she would have given me the "he's a nice guy, he made some mistakes, he's a good person, you're just jealous, quit being creepy, it's over" talk. She wouldn't consider WHAT the information was, only where it came from. And while the OM probably does take safety precautions with his snakes, accidents happen, and I would rather her hate me forever than lose S because she put him in a dangerous situation.
3) I knew that no matter what action I took, W would be upset. Even an anonymous police report would have made her blame me for making the call. Even had it not been me, in her mind, it would have been because of me. So there wasn't any point to take an action with the intent of upsetting her, because she was going to be upset either way. She's not finished with being angry at me over the entire marriage. Adding more fuel to the fire seemed like a bad idea.
4) The "big public splash" wasn't that big or even that public. My FB privacy settings are pretty tight, and I don't publicly share my posts. That being said...my FB is restricted to people I've met in person and family. Yes, I knew that someone had sent her my posts before. Yes, I knew that (despite removing about 300 friends since this all started) they were probably still on the list, and likely family. After this post, one of her family members finally told me which person was sharing. My response was "I figured it was them. They are bad at being sneaky, lol." And yes, that person is still on my friends list.
5) The decision to make the post came at the end of the "how should I handle this" process, simply because I was frustrated. I knew that I needed to do something. Taking the info to W would have escalated the situation. Going to the police, even anonymously, would have escalated the situation. Showing up and handling it in person would have definitely escalated the situation. So, out of frustration...I gave up. I basically told myself "you need to get this off your chest, and there's no way this is going to go well, but you have to do SOMETHING."
So I made the post.
I posted to vent my frustrations, and I knew that it was likely to get back to her, but I didn't really care if she found out second hand or not. In a nutshell: "I've got this thing that's bothering me, and I'm going to talk about it, and if you happen to find out what I said, fine."
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you would not be the first LBS that used the well-being of their child as an excuse to throw shade at their WAS and their AP[\quote]
That's fair. Although this was more about getting angry about a problem, needing to fix it, and not really caring whether or not she gets dirty in the process. I didn't choose for W and OM to be together, and I didn't choose to separate them, either. That's beyond my control, and I don't want to be that guy. But if neither of them are willing to think about their actions and how that could affect S, eff 'em.
[quote]you took the post down. Sorry, but if I am not sorry about something I don't reverse course on it.
Normally I wouldn't, but I'm a sucker. She got hurt, I felt bad when I saw how sad she was. I shouldn't have felt bad.
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you don't believe that it is really over, but you sent S off, potentially to be around this excon and his illegal snakes, with your STBXW. I am sorry to be blunt bm, but is that really putting your S's well-being first?
I didn't "send him off". She came to pick him up after she got off work. It was bedtime for him. He takes meds that make him sleepy, and I had already given him that. But either way, all I know is that both W and OM told me they were done. Am I skeptical? Yes. Does that matter? Not really, because there's literally no way for me to control who she has him around other than keep him myself, which I would love to do, but I couldn't do it without help because of his school schedule and my work schedule (he starts just before noon, I have to be at work at 8, and I have no family/friends to rely on to help me with that, and we've checked into before-school care programs, but there aren't any for his age group at his school). I'm absolutely going to keep my eye on things though, now that I know. I don't think that just letting it go is a good idea, and I do intend to bring it up in court when the time comes.
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Interesting timing. You've known who this guy was for a while now. But it isn't until she gets a date for the D hearing (before the deadline that you were counting down daily) and then you have your "chance" meeting with OM. Then just a few days later you run background checks (again after all this time) and decide to blow the whole thing up on fb.
I get that. I've known his first name for a couple of weeks because S talked about him. I didn't bother to pursue information. In hindsight, I remember a month or so ago S talking about W not letting him go in his friends house because of snakes". I thought it was weird, so I had asked W what that was about. She said "(fake name) has pet snakes, I just went in to say bye while S was in the car, I wouldn't let him around them, that's dangerous." FFWD to later when S spends the night there. FFWD to S telling me about riding in the guys car. I thought it was weird that S called this guy two different names. W said it was two different people. S said it was the same dude. But I still figured that it was just S being confused about new people and names. Then the more I thought about it, the weirder it seemed. So I started looking to figure out what was up with the guy. FB search found him. Matched other social media accounts, found pics of the snakes. Thought back to a couple months ago where police found a loose cobra in town and had been looking for the owner. I figured I'd see if it could have been him, so I did some public records searches and couldn't find a permit, but I did find arrest/jail records. DWI and drug possession. At that point, I knew that W was going to just be dumb about it just so she could justify seeing him to herself.
Did the deadline have any bearing on it? Not particularly, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bitter. I'm bitter, absolutely, but not malicious.
Running into OM at the gas station was accidental. I was in the store parking lot probably 30 minutes before he was.
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Just one question.....what happened to running things by this forum before acting? Why be so impulsive? You realize that after D, short of your XW dating a convicted child molester, there is going to be NOTHING you can do about who she takes your S around, right? Heck, you know this guy is an excon with illegal snakes and there is nothing you can do about it, short of reporting his illegal snakes to the authorities, which you seem unwilling to do!
ADHD. When I actually do focus on something, it's not always the thing I want to focus on, and it becomes very difficult to focus on something else. Focus for me is often involuntary. As is the impulsive overly emotional reactions. I do realize that there's nothing I can do after D, and I also try to realize that right now there's little I can do about it. I've already stated why I didn't make the phone call. If it persists, then I can always pick up the phone.
Morally, I have no problem with him having the snakes. I don't see it as anyone's business but his own. However, my S safety matters to me more than how I feel about W or OM, or how they feel about me.
That being said, I really hope this didn't wipe everything out. I understand it may have. But for S, that's a risk I was willing to take.
