Gordie 21 going with my gut

[Gordie]

Marvin butterfly job and oneart

Thanks for your sage advice and support for my caution and go slow approach

Of course I appreciate all the advice

The contradictory advice is often the most illuminating

Because it show me there are many options

Yes that I have options and power and license

[Gordie]

Black

I followed the advice here

I let her do the work to file

I did nothing to stand in her way

She filed without telling me

And a year later she withdrew it without telling me either

My L notified me of both actions

You cannot make your w drop it

You can only control you

[SBJ]

Your last line is the best advice on this entire site...You can only control you.

Stand strong and keep us posted.

[Gordie]

Journaling

There have been no more ILYs

But more incidental touching

Continued acts of initiation and connection

To which I am receptive

She is sharing more about herself

And some of her new dreams and aspirations

She is asking me more about my work and safe things like that

We have been able to discuss back to school without conflict

She is cooking and cleaning more

And is more engaged with the kids

One slight error

She asked me for advice

I told her what I thought

She did not like what I told her

I did not apologize

Some ensuing frustration on her part

And then she recovered and let it go

[black8]

Thank you, Gordie. How far did you go in the divorce process before withdrawal? I feel as though my wife wants to see her “payout”, because I was not giving her my financial information unless she would file.

[Gordie]

We spent a year negotiating our settlement

It just had to go through a final administrative step

Then she dropped it

Why are you withholding financial info

Whether you are staying together or getting divorced

She has a right to that info

[marina7]

Gordie,

Following along, wow your a true H and dad.

After my mediation I can see W truly still cares

As much W screamed and yelled We will never be together
W wishes she could move across country not to see my face.

Then W cried because I am ill I have MS and we never know.

I wanted to ask how do you do it with the kids. How are the kids
Handling if mom and dad reconcile.

My d10 says please mom don't you deserve better. We deserve better
I Also know d10 is hurting and at this moment d10 not liking W very much.

How do support your children's feelings and thoughts but in other hand W also.

[black8]

Thank you, Gordie.

Good question: she just asked me for my pension information in a random email. I wrote lovingly that I was not comfortable with that because she would be getting it anyway when she filed along with all the other information we would need to divide up. She is only asking for part of the picture and needs to see for herself we divide credits and debits up. Giving her just the credits at the time was in my opinion not an action which I thought was appropriate.

[DnJ]

Hi Gordie

Just dropping by, thinking about you.

I like how you handled the error.

She asked for advice, you gave some. No big deal. You have to make some errors, it is how you learn. Besides it helps her too, she had to figure out how to work through being frustrated.

You are doing awesome. You have quite a list of positive interactions.

How do you feel? Are you unwinding a bit? Are kids?

[Gordie]

Marina

I am so sorry for your diagnosis

Re w and kids

At the beginning I was trying to help w with kids

I took the advice here and stepped back

It is her r with the kids not mine

That was sound advice

Some of my kids wanted nothing to do with her

And I needed to let that happen

Despite w getting mad at me for not intervening

How can you let them treat me like this

As if it was all my fault

So what I learned is that kids will follow my example

As I have let my guard down

So have the kids



Black

I do not know all your details

But it does not seem right to me

You have all the financial info

You should give it to her



DNJ

Thanks for checking in on me

Things still inching along

I got another unsolicited ILY

Which is still awkward for both of us

W surprised me

We received an invitation to a couples party

I said nothing about it

Actually assumed we would not go

And then w accepted

We have not been seen socially as a couple

In a long time