I need to do some journaling and this will be last my post of the workday--I may look at lunch, but sadly, this BB is becoming too much of a focus for me during work and I need to get a break and make sure I can fulfill my daily work obligations. I'll try to get a glance at night if I'm up to it.
After two backslides, I may have "over-Seattled" this weekend. Yesterday, after doing the kids thing with baseball and dance recital, I got into a tiff with S9 and made the DB errors of saying 1) my problems with S9 were due to her lack of discipline instilled in the kids; and 2) in response to her "I'm gonna crack" if you continue living here mantra, I told her you've been saying you'll crack for 10 years and it hasn't happened yet.
This led to a 1 1/2 hour spirited convo where W talked about how excellent she has been as a mother and how sorry that she feels the way she does--but that's the way it is. This was not a validation discussion--but the supposed give and take that W has been seeking from me on how I feel.
Once again, I tried the Seattle approach and kissed her passionately on the lips and touched her. She once again asked where all this emotion came from, where has it been, but also said that this is what I always did (touch/physical) and it wasn't enough. I said I know now it wasn't enough, but it was the way I tried to say ILY.
We broke for dinner, and after, W said she figured out why I was so "kissy" this weekend, because I needed it bad. She said if I needed "servicing," she might oblige. I said (per KAW--but truly heartfelt), I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make love to you--I do. But I don't just want to f*** you; that would be empty and I want to feel the emotion just as she does.
W started to breakdown a bit and cried heavily about how sad and miserable she felt about the phoniness of our M was and how we hid it from eevryone. That we had nothing. How she was now 40 years old and has nothing. How she longed to be kissed by someone who she wanted to kiss back. (UGH!!!) How she wanted other relationships with both men and women and how we can be in a better place if I just acknowledged our M was a failure and just let go. She said the real problem was that she hid how miserable she was from everyone else and since they did not see her pain, they don't see it as a problem to suck it up some more. She said my being nice was not going to chnage the underlying lack of love and a foundation for going forward. She asked how long I was going to keep her and the kids in this place.
I kept thinking to myself, "Just be her friend. Just be her friend." So I said what an extraordinary burden she must have carried. I also said that despite our disagreement on issues with the kids (I couldn't sweep my earlier comments under the rug), I knew she was a good mother and never questioned leaving them with her--knowing that no one else in this world would love and take care of them the way she did. I then needed to tend to the kids, but before leaving, I kissed her twice on the head and said, These kisses are not because I want to make love--but just as a friend. That was really it for the night as she went to bed early simply exhausted.
This morning, she revived the "better place" argument if I left and said her only alternative was to take meds and be a zombie--which would be bad for the kids.
I think for the remainder of the week, it's time to back off andlet all of this weekend's emotion sink in. Right now, she clearly FEELS no love for me--and little can change that. One day at a time.
