WW- Equalzr's saga pt 2. WW's & MLC'er advice plz

[equalzr]

I had another meeting with my ic. It went well for the most part, and i was able to get a little further into everything im going through. One thing she did say is that she thinks the text from my W about apologizing for putting me through so much pain could be either her guilt or truly being sorry for doing it but possibly thinking that she never meant to havr an A. Personally, i feel like you dont have an A unless you want to, you dont just slip and fall into one. You make multuple conscious decisions to do it.

On the front with the W, there isnt much interaction left between us. Its clear shes done, and i decided to not keep hoping for something that wasnt going to happen. 99% of our conversations are about our S. Ill be meeting with more L's soon to get more advice on what my options are. I hate talking about that, thinking about it, or having meetings with L's. They really remind me of what im going through and what im losing. My anxiety and stress are usually through the roof any time i really have to deal with the reality of this, but i cant ignore it forever.

I havent slept well for the better part of 1.5 years now, so im going to look for something like melatonin to help me some nights. The workouts ive been doing have been helping a little, but i still dont sleep well or long enough.

As far as it goes with my W, i have to dive back into my DR book and find out exactly what i should be doing at this point. 95% of the time i feel resolved to just completely let go, but there is still a small part of me that i catch fantasizing about being in MR with my W. I miss that so much, it truly hurts me to the core. Ive been detaching, and GAL, but i think i still need to work on more 180's because W had some valid points about some things i need to work on such as procrastinating etc. Ive done well recently with making to do lists and finishing them.

I really dont know if i should just keep ignoring(more like avoiding) W at this point as we just drift further apart. Im trying to stay upbeat when we interact (as someone said, like a cashier) but its really tough after what shes done to me and our family. I always feel like the more i avoid her the more it will confirm to her that there isnt anything left to reconsider. I kind of feel like im on the sidelines on this one, and in reality i guess i am as far as MR goes because i didnt choose this path and have no control over it.