Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

Thanks, neffer.

It's happening. She's moving out on Saturday. I have mixed emotions about it. Here they are:

1. Sadness. I felt great yesterday. The weight of the situation is finally taking a toll on W. She was a depressed mess all last evening. I took no joy in this, but it was helpful for me to see that her emotionless wall is beginning to crack. But today, reality has set in and I hurt very badly for my failed MR and especially my Ds who will have their world rocked in two days.

2. Anger. W refuses to see an IC. I see one who is a family therapist. He helps me understand what is in our Ds best interest and W telling them she is leaving and then actually leaving that same day is not in their best interest. Despite me expressing this to her, she is adamant about leaving on Saturday. Fine. A large part of me is very ready for her to be gone, but I'm so angry at how unbelievably selfish she is being in regards to our Ds' best interest. I have been asking her to plan an exit strategy with me for two months. She's too afraid to confront her own decisions and talk about them. She would rather just do and force me to deal with the mess she creates.

3. Anxiousness. I am dreading this transition period to the new normal for a lot of reasons. Having to defend this situation to my Ds when it's not what I want and I don't support it. Watching them experience this will be heart wrenching. I don't know how I can be strong for them, but I will find a way. Telling my friends and family and biting my tongue about W's true role in this. Having to rehash it over and over again with my friends and family. Spending nights alone, without my family, in our home. Getting lost in my thoughts about the future I thought we would have now being nothing but a memory.

4. Relief. I will be glad to have this huge step in this process behind me.

5. Hopeful and slightly excited about the future. I'm looking forward to truly rediscovering myself and doing some things that I want to do. Truly GAL when I'm not with my children and especially when we are together. Taking them to new places. Making new daddy-daughter memories. Giving them the best life I possibly can. My future is bright, with or without W. I'm at least above the 50th percentile in smarts, success, and looks. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I know that I have a better me and a better relationship at some point in my future.

Please send me your thoughts and prayers, if you're the praying type, this weekend. I'll need them. Thank you all. Love to you all.