Husband aged, trying 180 (4)

[kech]

Ready2Change & URE,

I know youre right. I know I need to contact a lawyer, it is very scary. But it needs to happen. I have a feeling he is going through with filing possibly, while in this fog. He hasnt brought it up but I am just WAITING for that bomb drop because I feel it coming.

Kech, his bar lifestyle will never last. It's fun for a while but it all starts to wear down sooner than later. My suggestion to you is to some how some way hit your breaking point. Like I've told another poster. You're better than this! I have also talked to a lady I know. She went through it twice with 2 different men. As soon as she was done, and I mean her mind was made up done. The dude came crawling and crying back. But here's the other part. Her mind was made up. She wanted nothing to do with him. Same story, hanging out at the bars with OW. It got old and he thought "oh she will be there no matter what." She has my kids"...Nope...too late.

Lane, thank you so much. This was very helpful. I hope the lifestyle doesnt last but hes been living it almost a year now. When he first started doing all this he was working in another city and living there during the week, and in the end of September he came home, BD, told me he wasnt in love with me, etc. He went back to the other city and he came home about 3 weeks later a TOTAL mess. He was crying, he told me he hasnt been living healthy and hes been drinking and smoking too much and he felt like a mess and that he just wanted his healthy life back. He said he wasnt ready to say he wanted to be divorced, he wasnt sure what he wanted but that he wanted to be home with me and get his life back.

I thought to myself okay hes coming around, hes realizing he wants to be here. (It had only been 3 weeks since BD but it felt like a lifetime, and i have NO idea about OW at this time). I think that lasted about a week before he was right back to the bar, confused, not sure what he wants, etc etc. The cycle began.

He seems to think that he will always be the type of person who wants to go to the bar after work and have a few beers. He says thats not a big deal and since im not okay with it he says our characters just dont mesh. I have been willing to compromise, but when you had an affair and then you want to go spend everyday in the bar, its normal for a W to feel uneasy, when that wasnt at ALL his lifestyle before. This man who used to look down on men who werent with their wives and family for the most part, has now completely justified not ever being with his wife and family. It blows my mind.

I guess I have to get to point where im done, like your friend. But I am not there yet, I can say that I am, but it would be a lie. I cant imagine ever feeling done. I know im fed up but im trying to DB so I know im not supposed to be aggressive and mean or cold. This is VERY hard. He texted me this morning already asking if he could come see D tonight. I knew he would do that because he skipped last night to do God knows what. Disgusting. I told him yes about tonight. I will never use our D as a pawn, I will never keep her from him. But I just need him to make a schedule with me, it isnt fair for me to have to wait around for him and not know if and when he is coming.

Kech I suggest you get very strong. Are you wanting to save your relationship? Or is it done? What do you really want?

Paul, I want to save my relationship, that is what I want. I am trying to get strong in order to DB without going crazy, but it is hard. Any suggestions?

P.S. Trust the process.

Steve is wise. He followed the process.

Thank you. Though for kech's sake I must point out that I struggled with the process at times too. kech, what DB espouses is counter-intuitive. All of your instincts will buck against it. You will want to call/text/be with him to tell him how important he is to you. How you don't want D. How you want your D to have both parents in the home. etc.......

The problem is, and I had to learn this the hard way, is that none of that has much chance of working. And even if you could guilt him into staying, in a short amount of time you'd be right back where you are. That is why I say TRUST the process. While it will feel like the wrong thing to do, in the end it gives you the best chance of saving your MR.

Thanks Steve, You are right, I would love to call text and be with him, but I know I cant. I cant guilt him into staying. SOmetimes I feel like he wants to be here, but obviously not enough. And if he is out entertaining other women, thats exciting and fun, and I cannot compete with that. Thats where I feel broken. How does a W compete with an A?

With me he has responsibility, a R to fix, work to do. With an A its fun, exciting, new, adventurous. Who in their right mind would want to come back to their W and put in all the hard work it would take to fix M when theyre enjoying their life so much? I feel totally hopeless. Yes I am GAL, but thats not with him. He doesnt even seem to remember what its like to have fun with me. He doesnt want to. He comes here and stays with the baby for a few hours and I go live my life and then come home and he doesnt see any of what happens. He isnt enjoying those times with me. He has NO idea how much fun him me and the baby could have doing things together. Taking her to do things.

About 2 months ago he was very sad bc I told him he couldnt live here. He was saying he was scared, etc. So after a few days of him being out of the house, I missed him, I knew how much he missed us, So I sent him a text and said "would you like to go do something with the baby and I?" and he said yes and I said okay, pack a bag for the night, grab your bathing suit. He joked and asked if I was going to kill him and I said "not this time". I packed a bag for the baby and I, booked a hotel room at the beach for the night, and dropped our dog off to my moms. When he got to the house he was like so whats going on? I said "were going to go experience our baby's first time at the beach together.
(we live close to the beach)

So we drove the 30 minutes to the beach together and got there just around sunset and we took the baby into the water, and then into the hotel pool, and we had a great night. The next morning I dropped him off and he gave me a kiss and we both went to work. He texted me later thanking me for it. It was a great experience and I am glad I did it, but by the next day I let him come hang out with us again, and then he moved back in, and things were going well for a while that time actually but its only a matter of time before he took advantage and started right back on his other lifestyle.

The hardest part about all of this is sticking to DB'ing when you dont feel like its doing anything. He left the house a week ago and ive been doing my best at DBing and it seems like hes just out living whatever life he wants to. And I fear that he is just having the opportunity to build a relationship with OW. He will never miss me if he is getting his emotional and physical needs met by someone else. I used to feel so confident in our relationship, I felt like there is NO way he would ever find someone and want them over me because him and I were SO strong. Now, this limbo has been going on for almost a year, I dont think he has ANY idea how great our relationship was anymore. Any comparison ill come up short because weve been living in limbo hell. All while I was pregnant, giving birth, and raising a newborn.