Even if pets are property (and I don't necessarily agree with that) if they were obtained during the marriage, that would make them joint property. Same thing with the house. My W has keys to the house because her name is on the deed as well as mine. Until we resolve the situation it belongs to both of us, and I don't think I have any right to deny her access. Of course, she has been respectful and never comes unannounced or when I am around.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Even if pets are property (and I don't necessarily agree with that) if they were obtained during the marriage, that would make them joint property. Same thing with the house. My W has keys to the house because her name is on the deed as well as mine. Until we resolve the situation it belongs to both of us, and I don't think I have any right to deny her access. Of course, she has been respectful and never comes unannounced or when I am around.
Completely understandable, and I appreciate the perspective. However, does she have keys to your car? Can she take whatever she wants when she stops by? How would you handle that?
These things aren't clear-cut, especially from sitch to sitch. And LW has a very special, and deep bond with his awesum dog! I encourage him to consider letting his W spend time with the dog, but I also am sensitive to his hesitance to do so.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are right that every sitch is different and circumstances dictate a lot. In my particular sitch I moved out of the house first and I always had keys to the house and the car, but I didn't enter the house or use the car without letting her know ahead of time. Now that I have moved back in, she still has keys to the house but she has left the car keys (she took the moped.) If a spouse was being abusive about accessing the house or property I can certainly see how different arrangements would need to be made.
Regarding a joint pet from the MR I think in most cases setting up a visitation schedule (if the spouse wants it) is generally the most equitable thing to do. If the spouse has a connection with the animal it seems overly harsh to deny access. It's certainly not the same as sharing custody of a child, but I do think there is (often) more attachment than to material possessions. While you are right that it varies from sitch to sitch, I would encourage LW to consider sharing access to the dog.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Lw, I'm not going to encourage you to let your wife see the family dog. That has been well covered.
But I will encourage you to be honest about why you will not.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
update- S gets home from school late because of band practice. I get dinner prepared for us as he goes and walks the dog. During dinner we talked about his day at school and I inform him that W is coming to help clean up the basement. I ask him if he would like to help because some of the stuff if his old toys that we need to go thru. He said - no I'm good - I will go thru my stuff with you. After dinner he helps clean up I go upstairs to get ready for W and then he proceeds to move chairs around his computer desk. From this he uses a thick piece of masking tape to create a barrier. I come downstairs to see this set up and on the tape he writes "Do not cross". I ask him to help me understand what he is doing? He says 'I don't want to talk to mom". I calmly explain to him that there is a more mature way to handle this. He says this is how I choose. Not wanting to further upset him - I tell him- I'm here to support you and walk away to avoid anymore friction.
W rings the bell shortly after that. She is dressed in a t-shirt with holes and some old ragged shorts. I'm saying to myself what did I see in her?- she looks like crap.I let her in my dog stays back my S is at his cpu. She walks towards him reads the tape and turns to me and says ok guess its time to go in the basement and clean. I feel so much pity for my W but do not want to jeopardize my R with S. My thoughts are actively listen, validate and be the alpha male of action. We went thru a bunch of boxes got 1 filing cabinet sorted. In the process W is asking about the job search. Asking about S and his school work and then starts to ask about my health. All my answers were brief positive and to the point. She starts to talk about how busy her work is and I validate. She then says this is all that my car will hold. I said ok and then made myself scarce as she starts to bring her boxes up. As she is leaving she says-S I'm leaving turns to me and says- have a good weekend - I said- u too ok bye.
No R talks- very little validating. It seems to be heading towards D. At this point I'm not sure what I want except to be the best dad I can be. Forward and positive!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
wlf...reading your last update I could only think "wlf's wife is living the consequences of her action" I say that as my IC has constantly when talking about my W spoke of how she must live with the results of her choices. clearly your W is doing the same thing. i think you are doing the best you can with your S's feelings towards mom. be supportive, but letting her and him handle their relationship alone is best.
it struck me that unless W is completely devoid of feelings she is heavily feeling the consequences of her action. now who knows how the cost/benefit equation in her head is working, but it would seem she is paying a heavy cost.
Woke up this morning did my morning routine- S has been good all week in his morning prep for school. Today- not so good. I enter his room after his alarm has been going off for 15 mins. Wake up S and gently remind him that he's running behind and needs to start moving. He responds by saying give me a minute I have a sore leg. I notice that today he is off and I think to myself- He came back from band practice yesterday- no mention of his leg after walking the dog - no mention of it all night maybe he slept on it funny. I validate- I" I understand that it may create some discomfort for you but let's focus on the positives and continue to move forward."- He say OK . I go downstairs to prepare my tea and breakfast. He gets his cereal and finishes eating and then gets himself ready to walk the dog. He's at the door when he says" It will only be a short walk because I have a sore leg" Again I validate- "I understand that it may feel a little sore at first but once you keep moving it may loosen up please walk the dog well- it is for the benefit of you and the dog". He then looks at me and says "can you walk him today?". My response was- I see that it may be painful for you but I already walked the dog earlier for you this week to reward you for progress in school- I would like to help you but I feel it is more important for you to learn to not let minor obstacles deter you from your objectives. He looks at me and says but my leg hurts. I said " we need to sometimes bare the discomfort and continue to move forward- to show you this I will walk the dog with you just in case you hurt yourself"- He says - Fine! I'll do it myself! grabs the leash and the dog and slams the door in my face as he's leaving. The old me - would get in his grill pull him back into the house and proceed to tear a strip from him. So I think- Breathe- stay calm and deal with this respectfully. S comes back after 20 mins and my dog runs to jump on my lap as I'm sitting on the couch. I calmly ask S to come sit on the couch so I can speak to him. I said please listen- I calmly stated that - I will not tolerate and words or actions of disrespect. Slamming the door in my face while having a conversation was a sign of disrespect and will not be tolerated. Secondly I sense that something is off with you - would you like to talk about it?. He says - No. I ask "can I ask you a serious question ?"He say "what". "Your mom was here yesterday - do you feel this had an influence on your mood today?" He says " I don't want to talk about it". I said "First I want to say that I love you and want you to know I will do everything I can to support you, I hope you know you can talk to me about anything- I may not know all the answers but I will do my best to find them out or direct you to someone that can help you. I encourage you now to speak to someone about how you are feeling your IC, a counselor at school, our priest just some who will listen and can possibly help. Keeping all this negative emotion pent up inside you will only harm you. Please consider talking with someone. Know that most of all I am here for you no matter what! He says OK dad and walks away. I am so heartbroken for my S it kills me to see him in anguish. I went to the gym and older lady says that my positive attitude inspires her at the gym Another lady make a comment about how muscular and defined my arms are. I joke that they are inflatable- lol. While doing cardio I think to myself - what happens now? W is no longer attractive to me. Why was I so head over heals in love with her and now BLAH? Did I put her on a pedestal? Did this made me feel like second class. I examined my feelings a bit - to come up with the conclusion that I may not miss my W but I miss the closeness of a relationship. The sharing of lifes experiences with that some one special. I miss the quality family moments - at church and family gatherings( thanksgiving coming up) and to have that trust and bond with someone special. Not sure where this journey goes- but gonna do my best to be the best me possible. Stay positive - Stay well! Blessings
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
wlf...reading your last update I could only think "wlf's wife is living the consequences of her action" I say that as my IC has constantly when talking about my W spoke of how she must live with the results of her choices.
Hey b, Thanks for the continued support! I think my priest told me that when the heart and the soul are misaligned it shows outwardly in stress and aging. I can truly say she is not very pretty nowadays!
Just journaling- Had a good talk with S on the weekend. I first started about how his school year was going- he said good. Then we transitioned to how he thought it was going in the home? He said it is good . I asked him what changes have you seen in dad? He said he see me as more positive - less to anger- a lot more patient- more understanding and willing to make things better. I said I saw changes in him that he's more thankful- that he often times is more considerate and thoughtful and that I find he is easier t talk to and more receptive. We ended off saying that we will continue to keep positive and do better.
Anyways W texted me that she want to come over to clean Wednesday- should I inform S so he can make plans to be away so that it does not impact him or just let it be? Thanks so much for the input.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Just inform S and that's it. Then go read about Triangulation in relationships.
As for W living the consequences, people tend to justify their own actions. I'm sure she is not happy and I agree that when ideals and actions misalign, that it is often projected in physical health and appearance. But most W tend to rationalize by external locus. Meaning they tell themselves that "This" is happening to them, instead of they are doing it.
I know, heady stuff.
Do you plan to be there as she cleans? It might be an opportunity to mix things up.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
