Hi everyone and thanks for your great responses. It really helped me to vent here a little and get some ideas from your replies before H got home. I was still really mad at him when he got home, but I was able to contain it until I could get the kids busy playing outside and then sit down with him. The first thing he did when I sat down with him is turn off the TV - which H rarely does, even in serious situations, so I knew he was ready to talk, too.
The first thing I told him was that I was sorry for how I had reacted, and for yelling and screaming and all that. Then I told him about the sheer rejection I felt, on so many levels, when I found that door locked. I told him that knowing he was looking at porn again was something I had expected after our conversation a few weeks ago (the one where, out of respect for his sexual being/needs, I had given him the green light to use porn again as long as it didn't interfere with any progress we were making in our SSM efforts); however, being confronted head on with it - especially we had just ML - was a huge blow to me as it brought up a lot of the bad feelings I still had after dealing with his porn habits for years.
Let's see...what else? I really tried to just keep it on "me" and how I had felt and not sound like I was accusing (even though I wanted to call him a dirty rotten slimy scumbag and tell him I wish I'd never married him!) - he was quiet and non-defensive through all this, which is amazing progress for him.
Then, he got to talk. He told me it was the first time he had used porn since The Conversation a few weeks ago - that surprised me. I really thought he had used it several times, and I'm still a little doubtful he is telling the truth about that (which is another "me" issue I guess, a result of all his sneaking around before). He said he felt that The Conversation, and me green-lighting porn, had been a huge gift from me to him and he had no intention of screwing it up again. He said he could see how that might make me feel rejected, and he apologized for that. He also made reference to not realizing what the "rules" were - as if I had "rules" I should have established during The Conversation. I told him I didn't think "rules" were needed, but I guess we will get back to that idea at some point. (Heck, I don't want to be a rule-maker for heaven's sake! I deal with that enough with the kids.)
All that being said...I was still feeling really sh*tty about the morning's experience. And I felt that he wasn't really understanding just HOW bad his timing was. He said he had trouble achieving O during our time together that morning (like I said, occasionally this happens to H - rarely, but maybe 1 out of every 20 times we ML), and since we so rarely ML anymore he was getting kinda sensitive "down there" and didn't want to have to spend another 20 minutes (as he put it) with me giving him a HJ or BJ or whatever. He just wanted to get it over with. In a way, I could understand the physical part of it - I have been there myself, though in those cases I just let the O go instead of rushing him off and getting out my vibrator or something!
So I asked him if he wanted to know what he could have done differently if he was having this physical issue; or if the situation ever comes up again. He said yes, and I told him maybe he could have just shared his need with me right there, maybe we could have looked at porn together, or if he truly needed to be alone just tell me. I told him my promise was to respect that, and that yes it might make me feel weird but I would not lash out in anger again.
I guess we both gave a little to the situation. I really don't feel he was "using" me to get himself worked up and then head for the porn. I feel he found himself in a difficult situation physically, and took what he thought was the easiest way out. (Heck, if it had taken me only another minute to make that smoothie I would have never known about the porn.) He now sees the errors of his ways, and I see the errors of my ways.
All in all, as crappy as I still feel about the whole thing, we have made significant progress since we were able to talk about it and "kiss and make up" afterwards. My H, as smart as he is, can be a real dork of an idiot sometimes - especially when it comes to sex. One thing I do know, is I don't think this will be happening again!
Oh, and PM arrived today in the mail so I am committing to reading that this week.
