You are my sister. Your posted experience was something I could so easily imagine happening in my own relationship I almost started crying when I read it.
Though this might be a case of the blind leading the blind, I feel that I've gained a lot of insight since reading"SSR" and joining this board. It's a lot easier to analyse a situation when you are not part of it.
First, let me say that your husband's behavior was insensitive, immature and I would be as upset as you are if it happened to me. But since your husband isn't available for me to yell at,let me tell you what I think you (and me in my relationship) could do to improve the situation.
I have at least temporarily resolved the porn issue with my husband, but if it comes up again this is how I will deal with it. If we are having a satisfactory sex life, I will simply ignore it.By throwing a fit about it, I am giving it more importance than it merits and also turning it into "forbidden fruit" and casting myself in the role of "Mommy". If I am unhappy with the current sex situation, I will calmly suggest that if he were not emptying his gonads in such a manner,he might have more drive to keep me satisfied. I will make it clear to him that I am an adult woman and if he wants to have the sex life of a 13 year old boy, I may have to look elsewhere for my satisfaction. I may even go so far as to make fun of his "hobby"- "Hubby and Miss April sitting in a tree..."
One trick I've used in the past to gain some space for myself when dealing with a tough time in my marriage is to temporarily lower my expectations. I tell myself that I am a single mom and my husband is simply a boarder I've taken in to help with the mortgage.Also, when I find myself thinking too much about what he might be thinking or feeling, I just tell myself that the only thing going on in his head is the Flintstone's theme song playing over and over again.
I think it can be immensely helpful to convince yourself that you are not trapped in this relationship. You love your husband and you are going to do all that you can to preserve your marriage, but in the end as we all learned in preschool "the most important person in the world to you is you".
Do what you can to boost your own self-esteem.Pretend like you have a high school reunion coming up in a month and get yourself ready for it. Tell your husband that you are not going to initiate sex for a while because you find the rejection too painful and you know he doesn't want to fight about it anymore. Make it clear that you still want to have sex but are making the choice not to initiate.This is what I've been doing and it's working. My husband initiated sex twice this week!
Once I feel more confident and less likely to overreact to rejection, I intend to start initiating again when I'm in the mood. If I feel that the rejection is unreasonable, I plan on making clear that I am in a "party" mood and will do something like go out dancing with my single, hard-rock lifestyle sister and let him sit home and stew in his own rejectful juices.
Be strong.
NMB
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
