Is there hope? I have a WW

[Vapo]

Did you all ever feel like it was getting worse at times? Like I feel today? Did feel like you were just spinning your wheels and find it very hard to detach and let go and finally move on? I get to that point once in a while and then "POW" something happens. I get a set back. Im not going to let her know I am bothered by her trip. Just acting as if its another day.

Yeah, buddy. We did tell you it is going to get worse. I am sorry for you. We were all at the dark place you are at now. It does get better, it really does. You have to grind trough it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

So this is a DB forum. Were here to try and save our M by doing these tactics....detach,180 and GAL.

We all came here with the aim to save our marriage. We did not even consider ourselves. The secret is not to save the marriage. We have to save ourselves. Our very core is at risk. We get a do over on rebuilding and reshaping ourselves. The prize at the end of that path is awesome, it's LANE 2.0.

I know you guys don't know my W like I do. But based on your experience / history. A couple that had a great R and M. Then all some one flattered her at work to the point she left me. Do you think she will ever want to R or even T ? What are the odds. I know nothing will happen until she knows Im completely detached. I need a little boost of confidence today more than anything. Let me know guys.

You are suffering from rose colored glasses syndrome my friend. Just as she saw all bad in the marriage you are seeing all good in the marriage. The truth is probably somewhere in between. All marriages fall in that category. I am going to be blunt with you buddy, the odds are stacked against you with regards of saving the marriage. The marriage is gone. That does not mean that a new relationship is not possible, but the marriage as you knew it, is gone.

And another thing. Try not to take her actions personally, it is not you, it is her. There was/is something inside her that was/is damaged. She more than likely has issues from her youth. And if was not the guy at work, there would be some other dude. It's not the dude's fault either, it's all on your W.

And do not go thinking that she is all happy and you feel like $hit. It is a facade, a front, a mask. There is horrible torment underneath. The mask will fall, not right away, but it will fall and I promise you, you will see the hurt in her.

You are not alone buddy. We're here for you, we are going to help you get trough it. Stay strong buddy, your kids need and deserve an awesome dad.

[LANE777]

Thanks Vapo and J9.
I really needed to hear from you guys today. I'm having one of those days. Glad you're here to help me through this storm. I know you've had to repeat alot of things or say it in a more blunt way. I'm glad you set me straight on her strange behaviors. Like you say, it would be a whole new relationship if it ever comes of it. My goal is to get to the point where I can see and think clearly. I'm so stuck on why a mom, wife would turn to this mess. How did she not see what was at stake? Anyways...she gets kids tonight. I'm going to disappear during the exchange. Probably best I dont see her . I don't want to get caught in the moment and start asking questions or something else that might ruin my progress. Not sure there's any progress to lose. It's been very quiet between us anyways. Makes me wonder who is coaching her to detach from me.

[equalzr]

Thanks Vapo and J9.
I really needed to hear from you guys today. I'm having one of those days. Glad you're here to help me through this storm. I know you've had to repeat alot of things or say it in a more blunt way. I'm glad you set me straight on her strange behaviors. Like you say, it would be a whole new relationship if it ever comes of it. My goal is to get to the point where I can see and think clearly. I'm so stuck on why a mom, wife would turn to this mess. How did she not see what was at stake? Anyways...she gets kids tonight. I'm going to disappear during the exchange. Probably best I dont see her . I don't want to get caught in the moment and start asking questions or something else that might ruin my progress. Not sure there's any progress to lose. It's been very quiet between us anyways. Makes me wonder who is coaching her to detach from me.

One thing i learned from my sitch is that they usually have detached slowly over the course of a few years or so before we even know a problem existed. Then we are left saying "wait, what happened, i didnt even know there was a problem".

That leaves us trying to do what theyve done over a few years in weeks and months. IMO, thats probably why we have such a roller coaster of emotions. Hell, i still love my W, but unfortunately that woman left 1.5 years ago and here i am. I had to come to terms with the fact that my old marriage is dead, unfortunately so is yours. That doesnt mean there isnt something down the road for you, but right now there is nothing.

I wish i had some magic answers, but as you know im in the same boat you are. Keep your head up L, control what you can(only you) and let the rest go.

[Vapo]

^^^^^ As EQU said. She has been detaching from you for at least 2 years, so in that manner of speaking, she is 2 years ahead of you on this journey. You can catch up in the detaching department, but you do have to get your a$$ in gear. My aim on these boards is to give back some of what it has given me and to try to shorten the journey to healing and wholesomness for newcomers. It makes me immensely sad to see all the huge inflow of new people here, but the knowledge that they've come to the right place, comforts me. I suggest you reread DB. I also suggest you Google Heart's blessing's page and have a read on the materials there. It will give you great insight into the whole matter.

The main thing is, it is not you, it's her. That is not to say that you are without blame in your marriage. You own up to your own mistakes, and no more. Accept it for what it is, that is that you 2 are both to blame for the troubles. And most importantly, you have to forgive yourself.

Do GAL. Get out of the house. Use the lungs full of air. Get them endorphins flowing. Get busy learning new skills. Your work will suffer in this initial phase of your journey. But you have to rise above it and crush it at work. It will get your selfesteem up and god knows you need any bit of selfesteem you can muster up.

Stay strong buddy...

[neffer]

We all came here with the aim to save our marriage. We did not even consider ourselves. The secret is not to save the marriage. We have to save ourselves. Our very core is at risk. We get a do over on rebuilding and reshaping ourselves. The prize at the end of that path is awesome, it's LANE 2.0.

This is another head shot.

It takes two to tango.

You know, fortunately I was only a visitor on the other side. The Twilight zone is a dark and foggy night. The bright moments you could have last a shooting star life, based on a narcotic dynamic. Eventually reality chases you. Then you face your fears or keep running away.

You save yourself.

[TBSakaJ9]

L - My XW flat out told me one night in the kitchen that she was selfish, knew she was being selfish, but didn't give a [censored]. Told me the kids would be fine as millions of kids each year go through divorce and then proceeded to rattle off everyone that we knew including my parents and hers that had gone through it. She then looked at me and said "Your parents got D'd and look how you turned out"

1.5 years later she has BF that she spends almost every night with screwing his brains out. He is 5'6, I am 6'2. I make great money, workout every morning, take care of my [censored], am involved with my children, etc. etc. but yet she choose some mini me dude that is studying to be a nurse at 47 years old. When she first told me about him she said she had a BF then the next words out of her mouth where that he is only 5'6. I just laughed.

You can't make this stuff up dude, none of it makes sense and it never will. It [censored] balls no doubt about it but you will ok in the end. As you get stronger you will look at your W and laugh your ass off at what a dumb ass she is. You can't see it now but you will in time. I can tell you that over time you will gain clarity and your sitch will become crystal.

For the first 3 months I cried every morning and every night.......as Vaps said my work suffered and I would cry at my desk in the middle of the day for no reason. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and no matter what I did all of my thoughts were dominated by her. I remember crying while I was mowing the yard, I remember not being able to play basketball because I couldn't focus on running up the court. I remember not wanting to visit my parents out of town because all I wanted to do was be alone and not be bothered.

What your feeling is normal but it does get better. You have to leave her alone and let her go.

[DonH]

He is 5'6, I am 6'2. I make great money, workout every morning, take care of my [censored], am involved with my children, etc. etc. but yet she choose some mini me dude that is studying to be a nurse at 47 years old. When she first told me about him she said she had a BF then the next words out of her mouth where that he is only 5'6. I just laughed

Sorry for the hijack Lane but Josephs comments just keep hitting me in the face. Joseph, dude, why the obsession with the physical? You really are obsessed with it! Any woman you would consider dating has to be hot, thin, fit. Your wife being with a guy that is much shorter than you is her biggest fail? Really? I think you are so missing things. She didn't leave you because of your looks! People are more than their looks - much more. As we age our looks are going to fade. My grandfather was 6' 2' for much of his life. He died at 96 at 5' 10". That's just life. That hot 44 year old who weighs 128 pounds could hit menopause at 48 and be at 165 by age 50. What then? Dump her?

I really think your growth area is to explore what this is about with the superficial and exterior. If the new guy was a deadbeat dad or criminal or unemployed, for sure that's a comparison but he's shorter than you and not a mans man? You are so missing it. And a nurse? What, guys are not nurses? Or if they are they are not real men? OMG.

Again, sorry Lane I just didn't know how to address this elsewhere and have it make sence. Life is so much more than about looks - even though I totally want a hot looking sexy girl to hang out with but that is only a fraction of the picture.

[LANE777]

up date
Today I went home for lunch and let the dog out. My daughter was there. She told me her mom was on her way to pick up a curling iron. Within 5 minutes she knocked and came in. I was sitting on the couch. She said hi to my D. She really didn't acknowledge me. I said there is some mail there for you. She picked it up and said " i'm going to go home and rest before I pick up the kids from school". I just politely said. "sounds good, see you later". She walked out the door.
A few seconds later I went out the same door to go back to work, but did not say anything. She got in her car and I got in mine and we left.
I have to admit it was nice to see her. I so wanted to visit and just have a friendly talk. But figured it probably was not the time. It was very uncomfortable for me just to not say anything. Do you think I did the right thing. I didn't want her to think I was being too stand offish, but maybe I did. I don't want her to feel an ounce of pressure from me. So I think I did the right thing for now.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Lane,

I just skimmed your first and last posts. Have you read "No more Mr nice guy(Robert A. Glover)? or Hold on to your n.u.t.s?


Anything I can help with?

[LANE777]

Hi there R2C. I haven't read those yet. Right now I'm just staying strong for my 4 kids. This was an absolute blindside. I still have some very tough days not having my family together. I've been detaching as much as possible. I just know she has her mind set on this OM. It's so heartbreaking. There's been some awsome people helping me on here. And I read everything thing very close and apply it the best I can. My biggest hang up is that my W and I get along fine. But we hardly talk. I dont dare bring anything up about our R or M. And I for sure dont bring up the D that she wants/wanted sadly back in July. She stays at her parents. Hangs with her friends from work and the OM who she also works with. What has me in the dumps is they are leaving on a trip Sunday for 5 days...big ouch. No one sees a future with them. Hes a single guy 33..no kids never been married. My wife 38 ,married, 4 kids - has a major health problem. Needs a kidney transplant. So yeah! You got me. It's the most bizarre thing to me the people who know us. I guess I'm just trying to detach day by day and Gal. Not much more I can do. Stepping way back and letting her experience what she thinks is making her happy. She was young 20 when we married. So who knows MLC and WW all in one. I'm over the being devastated. I was just hoping to see something fall my way instead of getting worse all the time. Thanks for checking in on me. Any suggestions are worth the world to me. Thanks for suggesting the books.