If this is MLC, as opposed to a WAW, the timelines are very different. Please confirm this yourself by reading Michelle's book and sandi's wisdom, but I think with a WAW there is a short window of time in which they potentially come back (I think the common wisdom with a WAH is that it is a longer period). Sometimes they see the changes and come back. But, often, once the WAW makes up her mind. She is gone.
With MLC, the timelines are very, very long. Someone out there published a list of "returns" from anecdotal evidence on multiple support sites. Apparently an early time for coming back was 18 mos from BD and a longer time of 3-4 years, with the average in the 2-3 range. Take that for what it is: my recollection of an unscientific analysis of self-reported data, with no control or verification. On various MLC sites, there are much later returners. You are early days. Don't despair. But be realistic.
My belief, and mine only. Why do they come back? They haven't found anything better and they are tired of looking or afraid the LBS will move on. Is there a fog, a tunnel, a hormonal stage? I don't know. Mine is the opposite of who he was to me for sure. But did I see the real him or the him he is now the real him? No idea.
Her rock bottom is hers. You are not going to change it for the better. Job has been around a long time and she has said some of them bounce down there and bounce up and down and on and on. Forget about rock bottom.
How can you show her that you have moved on? Move on. She will only believe it when it is genuine. It is hard to fake indifference (at least for me). Now that I've reached indifference, I'm pretty sure mine gets that I am there.
Ways to move on:
1. Stop thinking about what she is doing and don't snoop.
2. As I think DnJ said, accept that she has had one or more affairs and really think about what that means. I saw a divorce lawyer many years ago. She was da bomb. I said he assures me it is an emotional affair. She said tell yourself it is a physical affair so when you find out it was, you don't have to hurt any more. (Another fun comment she made: first wives seldom travel with their husbands, second wives always do). They will trickle truth you to death. Accept the very worst you can imagine, and if you can live with that, you will be mentally tougher for the long haul.
3. When you cry and break down, try not to let the kids see it. I do it still in the shower and in my car when alone. Try to keep them out of this as much as possible, but please don't lie to them. When they learn the truth, and they will, you don't need to be another adult who betrayed them. But also, as DnJ said, be age appropriate and share only what they have a need to know (either because it is affecting their living situation in some way, or they are asking direct questions).
4. Become the person you were at the beginning. The person she was attracted to (but a grown up version). The person only a fool would leave.
5. Go out and meet new people and do new things. The guys can correct me because they see it too. Most of the men on these boards say they are going to stand by the marriage, etc. And most, it seems in a year, are moving on to dating. We have a few exceptions here, but in general men seem to move on faster. But, remember, when you date doesn't control your healing. If you don't heal completely before you move on, you'll be in the same place later making the same mistakes. The healing is going to come either way. The only question is how much more destruction will happen before it does.
6. Don't stand in her way. If she wants a divorce, let her get it. Don't help her, but don't stall or look like you are being difficult. That screams attachment and she will feel pressure and want nothing to do but complete it.
7. Don't talk to her friends and family or your common friends. If you do eventually reconcile, every one of those people will know what happened and it will be harder on all of you. Or, they'll just tell her everything you said and that will get in the way of a reconciliation.
8. Choose your battles. Fight for only what you really care about. Don't spend money fighting over property that can be replaced for less than the cost of the fight. When dealing with custody, what are the dealbreakers. Focus on those. Let the other stuff go. With mine, I knew I could say he could see the kids whenever he wanted because I knew he wouldn't do it. But, I made it clear they were not going to the depressing place he lives where his mistresses could accidentally pop over.
9. Don't be petty over child support. That is for the kids. Some men become obsessed about what she is doing with the money, convinced that every dollar she spends is one they provided. Courts don't care. You don't get to decide that. Don't withhold child support if she is withholding the kids. Go to court. If you hold back the money, you harm your own position and look bad to the court. Those are independent obligations.
10. Do not put the kids in the middle--ever. Those are her kids (even the step ones, particularly if you want to reunite) and they will love her even if she is imperfect and blows up the family. Do not use them as messengers. Do not grill them about what she is up to (they usually tell you spontaneously in the days following a visit--just nod or say interesting or whatever).
11. Document everything. Save every email, text, etc. Never write anything you don't want the kids, the judge or your mother to see. Everything is an exhibit and electronic data is so trackable it is scary. Nothing is ever erased. Keep a visitation log. If she doesn't let you have it when ordered, or is late or gives you grief, or asks you to cover for her, keep track of it all. You never know when you will need it. Assume she is doing the same and act accordingly.
12. I didn't do well with this one. Even though times are hard, and you are stressed and down, kids need to have fun and do things. Live life. Let them see you living life. How great if she asks them what you are doing and they recount all the fun times they had, all the fun places they went, all the nice people they met (but no SOs--you don't want a lot of people coming into their lives, them attaching, feeling loss, etc.).
13. Live for you. Rediscover your passions. Work on your clothes, your hairstyle, your weight, whatever. If you have bad habits, try to get rid of them. Have fun. Open yourself up. Try to grow as a person and experience things you were afraid to do before.
14. Think about your contributions to the breakdown of the marriage and be honest with yourself about them, but keep it to yourself. If you start apologizing and fessing up, she'll just use it against you. No begging, pleading, etc. in any form. But don't be maudlin about them. There is a time to gripe, then a time to move on.
15. Don't stalk her. Ever. Stay away from her house unless she invites you over or is expecting a drop off/pick up.
16. If she temp checks or anchor checks, take it for what it is. Don't ride every high and low. Don't go buying a new house, car, etc. The longer she thinks you are safely on the hook, the longer she knows she can be out there partying.
17. Many do an early return, stay for a bit, then take off again. Mine did this, many times. Keep your expectations very low until she proves to you through prolonged, persistent actions (never words) that she is back. If you don't feel like she is out, don't rush it. Be mysterious and a little hard to get. Beware of the pursuer/distancer dance and try to break those patterns.
18. Expect drastic changes in her lifestyle. Dress, make up, hair, partying, contact, friends, addictions, etc. Don't comment on them. You are not her mother.
19. Don't manufacture reasons to contact her, when she sees you anchor checking her she will know you have not moved on. There are usually very few emergencies. Mail can be forwarded. Look into a parenting app for communication. Limit it to business: kids, property, divorce (unless you can afford to run everything through lawyers).
20. Understand that when you do contact her, even if legitimate, she will probably think you are pursuing her and she will feel pressure. That will make it longer until she senses that you have moved on.
21. Be detached, but not cold or non-communicative. Mirror her actions. If she is friendly, be friendly. If she is not talking, you do the same.
