If you decide not to. Why? Not that you owe W an explanation. But why not? Remember you are detached. If she wants to try to rekindle a relationship with a dog, so be it. I think showing that you care is counterproductive to your mission. Don't make it a "thing". Just my take.
If you decide not to let her take the dog for a few hours, I would take Steves advice.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
If you decide not to. Why? Not that you owe W an explanation. But why not? Remember you are detached. If she wants to try to rekindle a relationship with a dog, so be it. I think showing that you care is counterproductive to your mission. Don't make it a "thing". Just my take.
If you decide not to let her take the dog for a few hours, I would take Steves advice.
Okay, this is good advice. I was under the impressions she wanted to take the dog permanently. Letting her take him for a few hours is something you should be open too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you decide not to. Why? Not that you owe W an explanation. But why not? Remember you are detached. If she wants to try to rekindle a relationship with a dog, so be it. I think showing that you care is counterproductive to your mission. Don't make it a "thing". Just my take.
^^^I agree.^^^ Keeping her from having time with the dog just sounds to me like you are trying to punish her, and I am sure she will see it like that as well. Like 25 likes to say, "keep the way home paved and smooth". When faced with these choices ask yourself if your response is doing that or throwing roadblocks in her way.
Yeah. I have an arrangement with my W about our dog as well. She comes by at fixed times when I am out, twice a week, to spend time with the dog and take her out for a walk.
When she was living in the house and I was the one on the outside, she let me do the same thing. It was important to me and I think it is important to her as well. It's really not much skin off of my nose because I don't need to interact with her or do anything special - we scheduled it for times when I am out GALing anyway. She also uses that time to pick up any mail that has come for her and to leave me any money for the few bills we still share. At least in my sitch, if I tried to prevent her from doing that, it would definitely seem punitive and/or controlling. A giant "F you" for leaving. As satisfying as that might be in the moment, I think in the long run it is counterproductive.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
RR-AS-S85-Davide thank you for your candid responses. Although your input makes total sense. I want to let you know I am still on the fence with this one. The one big factor that is sticking out is that I truly KNOW my dog. He is fully trained and I can pretty much read his body language. I also know dogs have this keen sense for people. Now I know that W would not do anything to harm him - but the way he reacted to her when she came here last makes me feel he will not like the experience with her. Not sure how to move forward on this. I'm gonna have to sit on it a while. Thanks for chiming in tho..
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
"....The one big factor that is sticking out is that I truly KNOW my dog. He is fully trained and I can pretty much read his body language. I also know dogs have this keen sense for people. Now I know that W would not do anything to harm him - but the way he reacted to her when she came here last makes me feel he will not like the experience with her...."
Really? LoneWlf, this response says so much more than mear word. I hope you reread and consider what you are saying. Do you really believe this?
If you don't want to let her spend time with the dog, don't. But you owe yourself, you owe this group a better reason than this.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR- if this response does not make sense to you then I can't explain it any better. I trained my dog and I trust his instinct with other dogs as well as humans. As for owing this group a better reason. I feel I don't owe anyone a reason other than the one I've given. Just how I feel.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I don't think there is any way to keep her from seeing the dog without sounding controlling. You said the two of you purchased the dog together, so the dog is at least partly hers too.
She is allowed to separate from you without losing access to her pet.
Granted, the dog might have been reluctant to go to her when she came to visit, but that doesn't mean that will be his permanent attitude toward her.
It seems like your wife is looking to rebuild some relationships that she damaged by the way she left. If you try to block her from doing that, you don't come off as the good guy.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose thank you for your insight- I really need to sit with this one. I will be meeting with W tonight to do some cleanup an will look to review my notes on validation and detachment.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
However, while I lean toward saying you should, I also am old enough to know that usually when you have a gut feeling about something like this you should probably go with it.
While I agree with most of the sentiments stated, I must say there is part of me that thinks that at some point the LBS, especially one with your unique set of circmstances, has to start to close the door to the WAS. I know in my sitch my W wanted to keep keys to the house when she left (she never did leave but this was her plan) so she could still come and go as she wanted. I didn't say anything at the time but I remember thinking....yeah...ain't happening. While kids are a different situation, I view pets (and this may not be popular but I really don't care about popularity) as property. If my W had left would I allow her access to my property? My truck? My guns? My what-have-you? No way.
I think if it builds some good will between you and your W, then you should consider it. But I would never advise someone to do something that they aren't comfortable with.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
