I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in, it is confusing and convoluted for sure. I just caught up on your threads, nice to see how far you have come.
Originally Posted by black8
Do you have any advice on my kids? My eldest are in love with her and their siblings and I do not want them exposed to this until it is absolutely necessary. For now, I have been lying and saying them and I spend weekends with their half siblings because we are trying to get the youngest to not be so attached to her. That lie only goes so long.
I have a few questions and facts I just want to confirm. Btw including a signature line with a quick summary is pretty helpful to others.
Your eldest are the daughter and son from previous marriage (11 and 9 I think), and their siblings are the S5 and D1 from W and you.
D11 and S9 love W, S5 and D1. That’s all good, kids from first family love kids and stepmom from second family.
You do not want to expose or discuss “it” until absolutely necessary with D11 and S9. Lying to “them” (D11 & S9). The lie is that you spend the weekends with S5 & D1 because “we” (not sure who we is, all that is left is W and you) do not want D1 attached to “her” (I think you mean W).
What do you see as “it”? What don’t you want to expose to D11 and S9? The living situation, the custody arrangements?
I would love to offer some advice or suggestions, but I do have too many assumptions here.
I am not trying to be picky. I found being accurate with details and thoughts, will allow you to be accurate in feelings and actions. This leads into seeing your situation accurately which leads to detachment. I did post about it earlier if you wish to look it up, it may help.
A few general ideas and beliefs I have which pertain to this.
Do not hide this from the children, they know more than you may think they do. They need guidance from you, give it to them in an age appropriate manner.
This MLC has been going on for a year. I think absolutely necessary is looming, maybe even passed.
Don’t lie. Be honest (age appropriately) with them. They deserve it. You are their role model, be a good one.
Originally Posted by black8
And how would you recommend I cope thinking of a WAW hooking up with other men at parties when she goes away? The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. Appreciate your advice.
Sorry about this man, I understand the terrible feelings.
Advice on coping. This might seem hash, I am trying to be gentle.
First off your question “... how would you recommend I cope thinking of a WAW hooking up with other men ...”.
Be accurate! You are putting too much distance between you, your feelings, your thoughts, and your reality. You don’t need advice for your thinking about a WAW hooking up. Do not use thinking or a WAW. You need to see it like “how would you recommend I deal with my wife hooking up with other men”.
Do you know if she has, or is having an affair? If she is, don’t worry you can deal with that. If she isn’t, don’t worry, just be prepared, so many spouses have affairs. Remember affairs don’t mean a damn thing. In fact most MLCer will have an affair, they are in pain and looking for a quick fix. Nothing to do with you.
So recommendations, you can and should GAL, focus on life, and stay occupied until you have healed. Eventually, once healed, you will have to deal with it.
Or, you can deal with, and face it now. If she is having an A, this would be my recommendation. My W announced her A to me, kids, family, friends, townsfolk, etc.. I had to face it. Come to think of it, if your W isn’t having an A, it is probably easier and I would even more recommend this way.
The underlying truth of the two recommendations is that they are the same thing, it is just the mindset you approach it with.
Either way you will focus on you and kids, GAL, work on detaching, and such. Your subconscious mind is going to be thinking about this, it is up to you on how you can make finding acceptance easier. What are you consciously going to do.
When I was in the first months of being an LBS, and a total mess, a work freind of mine came and talked to me. He told me about his wife who had left him for the local drug dealer, they did get back together by the way. When he was at the beginning and a mess he saw a psychiatrist who told him “There are two types of men. Those who can accept that their wife had another man and those that can’t. If you really can’t then move on.”
You have to come to terms with this, no matter what, especially if you are standing.
This is big stuff b8. Not easy for me to say to you, and not easy for you to hear.
I hope you see the compassion within the hashness of accurate illumination.
From what I have read from you so far I think you can deal with it. All that means is admitting that you could (with some work) eventually accept what she has done. A realization that you are not one of the men who cannot accept.
That’s it, then continue to walk along your path, loving your beautiful children and continuing to heal.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.