Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[AndrewP]

I hope Andrew comes along because he always talks about the Art of War, which I read so long ago I've forgotten it. But I think there is something there (or somewhere else) about not engaging in the fights you don't have to. Sometimes you just have to take the blow, sometimes you have to deflect it, sometimes you have to find another way, and sometimes, usually when protecting yourself and the things you value, you have to fight.

LOL - You called? My copy is the Lionel Giles translation. Also available as an audio book on Librivox which I'll be listening to this weekend. Only 13 chapters if you bypass the analysis.

A few things from Sun Tzu. Intelligence is key. The more you know about your enemy, his strengths and weaknesses the better you will do.

Always fight from a defensible position of strength. If you are challenged on ground that is not defensible, leave it. When you can, steal your enemy's supplies. That has a double benefit to you.

Never be in the path of a retreating army. They will destroy all in their path.

I did reasonably well in my divorce settlement because I knew or at least could strongly posit certain facts:
- She did not want to have her dirty laundry aired in court
- She wanted to preserve me as a Plan B despite the divorce
- She didn't want to "look bad" to our kids
- She expected to get her happily ever after with OM

I also did work on subtly hurting the relationship between her and her lawyer. I pointed out that her lawyer at that time was probably lawyer #4. They don't like clients who switch around. I also was able to catch her in a couple of large lies that she made to her lawyer. Lawyers "really" don't like clients who lie to them. This was a tricky one. I couldn't be subtle, but I also couldn't be too nasty otherwise I would have just been bitter and ignored. I was told later by my lawyer that the opposing lawyer really wasn't trying very hard.

I gave in easily on things that didn't matter to me. She roamed through the house "shopping" several times. I preserved her family heirlooms including plants until she could come for them. Those "defeats" cost me nothing I wasn't willing to lose. They also made me look very reasonable. Everyone was astounded by how "nice" I was. That made it easier to be firm on things that mattered - such as a clean break and getting her off my health insurance etc.

One thing that I also told myself was that there was nothing that she could do to me that could be worse than what she had already done to me.

I also focused on keeping the settlement as simple as possible. So we agreed that the value of property she took was roughly equivalent to what she left behind. I kept my pension (see Plan B comment). I am paying a fixed amount of support for a fixed amount of years where both parties will not go back to re-negotiate. If she ever did get in with OM (seeming more unlikely by the day) she would have both his and my money.

Since we both knew exactly what the financial position was, I laid it all out, made three offers and told her "That's all the water that's in the well" which she knew to be true.

Take from this what you will. There was a very good article on another site which instead of thinking about what was "fair" took the point of view of "what will you be willing to pay to have the pain stop". I can't link it but that perspective was very helpful to me.

You can fight and fight and pick your hill to die on. Or you can surrender the hill and live in the peaceful valley. I chose peace over victory.

You are also coming at this Pax from a different perspective than I did as I "lost" the most financially as the higher income earner. But I won a peace and a future.