Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

The reason you feel so - uncomfortable - is because once you have feelings you have something to lose. That's generally why Avoidants keep people at arms length. But as my friend once said - "Avoidants need love too!"

I don't want whatever this is to end - or at least I'm not ready for it to end yet. I still can't see years down the road and am not trying to but I've finally found someone I look forward to seeing. That's kinda rare for me. I think the last time was 2.5 years ago now! I often am interested to see them but I could take it or leave it and often feel like yeah I want to meet up more than I don't but there is not much excitement. I'm totally enjoying this. It's fun planning things to do. It's great to have someone to call and tell about my day, etc. I just have this nagging fear that all of a sudden she will change her mind, or a guy closer to her typical type - ie younger - will come along. But just as much, I also worry that I'll lose interest. It's not like I try to but it's happened before where all of a sudden... Or the "cute" things she does will become really annoying things.

I actually remember some 25 years ago sorta being in the same situation. Thing is, as soon as she said "okay let's do this for real, how about I come down with the kids and we all spend the weekend together" I was so turned off and so out. Of course let's hope I've matured some in those 25 years - including a marriage in that span. In that case I look back now thinking, what in the heck did I even see in her? But again it was 25 years ago.

But I could see doing this with Wild Girl for good while yet - so long as things don't change - but we all know they will. It won't stay like this forever, so I'm just enjoying it while it's here and hoping it lasts at least as long as I want it to. That's as honest as I can be. I just need to stop torturing myself or at least annoying myself in the meantime. There was no reason to have the doubting thoughts I had, or put myself through the negative thoughts - NONE. I need to stop that as there is no reason for it!