I'm Broken III

[HelenaJ]

You are really emotional, I caution you to not text when feeling like this... I know you really do not want advice but this was tough to read.

I'm going back over the past couple days in my mind and I wanted to ask you more about this. Can you elaborate on why specifically my text was tough to read? I want to make sure I understand why and not assume why because you didn't exactly say.

Helena, I can see this creates a lot of turmoil for you and I feel you may be referring to my sitch in regards to my S being upset at his mom for giving up.

LW, you're right, your situations was in fact one of the ones I was referring to. Thanks for picking up on that and replying, I appreciate it. It will be the hardest thing I ever do if I end up walking away from this marriage and I would do anything for my kids so it would nearly literally kill me if any of them didn't want to be around me. I don't know how to find out how they would feel about it without basically putting them on notice that it could happen. Which would likely infuriate H. My sister keeps saying "H, you have to talk to your kids!!". But I'm afraid to. Anything I have ever done without H's blessing has only brought much grief. I know I need to learn to let his feelings be his and not take them as gospel of the way I should live my life but that's the way I have done things for my entire adult life. It's hard to just "change".

I understand you are at cross roads, you are struggling between your emotions and your values.

Arsh, very much so. I ask myself all the time if a better person than me would accept these terms and carry on. Perhaps I should have kept my rings on, kept being intimate, kept up the facade. I don't know what a good person would do, but whatever it is, that's what I want to do.

I wish there was an easy solution but the earlier post you had written had clarity in it.

Which one?? I'll go back and read it LOL.

I think a big problem here is that you are listening to what he says and internalizing it.

OneArt, what do you mean exactly when you say "internalizing"?

I bet your kids know far, far more than you think. My kids knew so many things and were keeping it in.

You're probably right, but I don't know how to talk to them about this, I really don't. You mentioned taking them to counseling to work on the family dynamic but there is no way on this earth that H would ever agree to that. He says they deserve for us to fake it like nothing is wrong, he would not approve of me talking to them about this in any way, much less going to counseling.

I'm not trying to tell you to leave him. I'm really not. But I am telling you to stop living this way and to stop living in fear. Your fear is what is holding you back. We have all been there. We all get it. What if your wrong. What if you are all happier. What if he finally gets the damage he is doing. What if he finally appreciates how bad it has become.

What if I'm happier how? If I leave? I get confused because it seems you say you're not telling me to leave him but then you say I might be happier if I do. I guess maybe you're just saying consider leaving?

Your kids hating you is not going to happen. They may be hurt, they may be afraid, but they would adjust.

I do think you're right about this. It's not a logical fear that my kids will hate me. Deep down I know this.

He is a grudge-holder and a score-keeper. When is that going to end?

It seems it will not end. He has told me we are done as a couple.

You said before you would separate to consider saving your marriage. I think you should give that some thought. You think you are saving your marriage by staying, but I told you my example, and please read up on HaWho. See what happened with her.

I consider it every single day. Wonder when the right time is or how and when I'm going to address this with my kids. How much to tell them. How what I tell the Bigs differs from what I tell the Littles. I will look at the thread of the person you mentioned....my H is so different than most people though. He just doesn't tick the same way. That should be pretty clear just by the fact that he is supposedly willing to forego any type of loving relationship and forego and type of sexual relationship and stay in this marriage like it is. I mean, he's saying grandkids, the whole deal. Not like he's planning to leave after the kids graduate....he is saying he can give me everything I want except his heart. And he says I should put my selfishness aside so that we can do what is best for our kids. I have never heard of or met anyone else in my entire life that would rather do that than work together with a partner who genuinely loves them and never meant to hurt them. This is completely foreign to me and I swear to God there is not a single fiber in my being that understands it. I do know what you mean about separating and giving things a chance to heal, but again, my H is not like most people. He would HATE me because he would see it as me taking HIS kids away from him for half the time. He would quite likely never forgive me and told me so. He has put me in a no-win situation and I just don't understand why he's doing it. I wonder all the time if my perception of myself is as jaded as he says it is because someone would have to be a really terrible person in order for me to consider doing to them what H is doing to me and even then I wouldn't do it, I would just leave. I seriously think he has a serious personality issue. Honestly, either he does or I do. Because none of this is "normal".

You are using your children as an excuse, you want what we all want one big happy family where everyone gets along in a loving environment... are you getting that? NO...so work needs to be done. You can work on this alone and you should if H doesnt want to.

I guess I just don't understand what you mean when you say I have so much to look forward to. I have my children's lives to look forward to, their successes and their milestones and children, etc. And yes, I can have pleasant days with new friends, or doing activities, etc. But happiness? In this house with my H? I just can't see it. It's either stay here where my heart will hurt and long forever for something that is no longer or leave and hope it one day heals. I don't see where I'm making excuses, I feel like I'm doing as much as I can do short of filing for custody and leaving the home. But unfortunately happiness isn't something I can see right now. I'm trying to GAL, I've done more in the last couple months just with the few activities I've done than I have in years simply because, if given the choice, I prefer to be with my H and kids as opposed to with strangers learning something new. So if I can't talk them into doing something with me, lol, then I normally wouldn't go. These guys are my people, I never felt like I needed anyone else ya know? Is that weird?

Just so you are aware I do know the race you ran, I am very familiar with this race and all the races that weekend. I belong to two running clubs. So I did see you and your sons time. This site is about anonymity, but I just wanted you to know. If you want I can let you know who I am as well.

I don't really know how to feel about that. Not because you know who I am, that's fine I guess as long as I don't know you in real life, but because you could not possibly have just found me. You had to have looked purposefully to figure it out and I guess I just don't understand why. I've appreciated your contributions to my thread and my situation but to me, part of what makes it ok for me to be here as a married woman who already has trust issues in my marriage, pouring my heart out about things that are very VERY personal, is that no one knows who I am and no one particularly cares.