Yesterday I was re-reading SSM and (since we hadn't discussed it in a couple of weeks) took the initiative to ask H if we could have a talk. I'll spare the details, but it quickly turned into the usual argument of I am obsessed with sex and he thinks he is making substantial progress. We both felt bad that it degenerated into a fight, and quickly made up and were lovey with each other for the rest of the day.
For dinner, we took the kids for a picnic. At the playground were these two young, attractive lesbian women - holding hands, kissing, etc. Luckily our boys were far away at the sandbox and didn't notice the action, but H did. Oh, did I mention one of the women was wearing one of the shortest skirts I've ever seen this side of a Christina Aguilera video? And, as she decided to go on the swings (!), H could not help but stare. And stare he did. He even took the baby up to the baby swing so he could get a closer look. It was SO obvious, but not really bothersome to me - he is, after all, a red-blooded heterosexual male. Heck, *I* had trouble not staring!
This is when things got a little strange. H had a 7 p.m. business meeting (me and kids were going to my friend's house to play while he was there) and it was about 6 p.m. but he suddenly insisted he needed to go NOW because he had some prep work to do at home first. I thought nothing of it. We packed the car, he dropped us at friend's house, he left. We met up again at home around 9:30 p.m. H seemed a tiny bit distant, but nothing major. He wanted to watch the news but I was tired so went up to bed. On the way I stopped at the computer, posted here, and when I went to shut it down Windows gave me the "there is somebody else logged in - are you sure you want to shut down?" error message. We share the same username in Windows XP but he does have his own username which, in the past, he used for his porn exploits. I didn't think about this until later, though. I went to bed and H came up later, kissed me goodnight, and we snoozed away.
About 1 a.m. the baby woke up. I fed her and put her back to bed. But I couldn't get back to sleep. My mind was racing. I started putting two and two together. The girl with the short-ass skirt. Racing to get out of the park early for "prep work" at home. His never-used XP account logged in. (And no, he does not use the computer for his business so it wasn't part of the "prep" work.) Oh yes, my mind was a-racing.
Fast forward to 2:30 a.m. I was still awake, practically having an anxiety attack about the whole "can we EVER get through this?!" thing. Our bedroom window was open a bit and outside I heard some drunk a-hole telling his friend he had to pee, followed by the sound of him peeing in my yard. I got up and yelled at him, which woke up H. The stress of the whole situation caused me to start blubbering like an idiot, and when he asked what was the matter I told him - the girl at the park, the computer, blah blah blah.
Again sparing the boring details, it actually turned out to be one of the most rational, coherent discussions we have ever had about our sex life. We talked for 2 hours in the middle of the night. Wild! He talked about the book, and his fear of me having an affair, and I talked about how me feeling loved means I need to feel desired, and we REALLY connected. It was nice. Funny timing, but nice. Around 4 a.m., we drifted off to sleep in each others arms. I felt closer to him than ever, and told him so.
(Thanks for bearing with me here. This is almost over.)
Cut to this morning. Baby woke up at 7 so I got her up and let H sleep. At 9 I put baby down for a nap and came in to cuddle with H. He woke up feeling very lovey, and we ML. It was nice, not fireworks but nice. No O for either of us - odd for him, but I was more in it for the lovey aspect and didn't really feel like putting the work into O. Usually if he has trouble finishing during intercourse, I will help him with a BJ or HJ or whatever. But he said he didn't want this, and asked if I'd go make him a smoothie. I said I was too tired from no sleep, but he INSISTED and actually (playfully) pushed me out of bed to go make one. So off I went.
10 minutes later, I returned to deliver his smoothie and the bedroom door was closed and locked. This could only mean one thing - duh. Well, I really went nuts. I almost couldn't breathe 'cuz of the lump in my throat. I went down into the basement to "do laundry" just to get away from the situation and the kids. As the minutes passed my heart was racing and I got more and more anxious. H finally came to find me and asked what was wrong. That's when I blew. I really blew, too. I'm sure the neighbors heard me yelling at him about betrayal, how would he feel if the tables were turned, etc. I didn't mean to blow quite that badly, but I did. I did keep it to how I felt rather than accusing him of doing something heinous - but really I felt/feel really despondent about the whole thing.
I feel like he was really sneaky. And why would he ML with me and then scoot me off like that? I felt so used and degraded. He insists this is nonsense, that I GAVE him permission to start using porn again, now I am going back on my word. I said it wasn't about the porn, it was about the timing, and why couldn't he have just talked to me about it during ML instead of rushing me off. He finally got so frustrated he said - and he's NEVER said this before - he thought it was about time we just gave up on this whole thing. Then a few minutes later he came back and apologized for saying that. He took the boys and left, said they'd be back in a few hours.
If anyone has made it this far in my novel, I really appreciate it. I don't know what I should do. I'm dreading him coming home. I feel like absolute crap - not only about what happened, but about my response. Mostly I just feel numb. I feel like I never want to even THINK about having sex with him again.
