Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[Pax_luv]

Hi OneArt,
You are right. The good stuff is there. I keep losing sight of it. I’ll get to good stuff momentarily...
This weekend, I caught myself telling my mom that I felt like my head was in the clouds... it was so foggy. I didn’t make the connection until the next day or two. Weird!!

Anyway, the fact that I’ve acknowledged that I haven’t been feeling so great has actually helped. I’ve been stir crazy and yet have zero energy to do anything about it, I haven’t been sleeping, I cry at the drop of a hat. I cried dropping off my dog with my ex. It’s not good. But I know I can make choices that will give me momentum in a different direction. I wouldn’t have been this self aware if I haven’t gone through what I have the last few years. That’s a blessing in itself.

So the good stuff....
I continue to be amazed how I am supported both personally and professionally. I’m not good at asking for help, so I am shocked that when I absolutely must lean on others, they are there for me. (My ex never was).

That always fills me with gratitude. I always feel a responsibility to help others in their time of need, and yet refuse to ask for help on my own. I think I’ve learned that people WANT to be there.

My friend recently gave me the best motivational speech. She knows that I’ve had such a hard time with the ex nonsense and she knows that I’m just done. (Background- I am in this financial purgatory that just keeps getting worse and worse. Im responsible.... I don’t deal with issues like this. I always have my act together. So, to have to deal with this is not OK by me. It’s a direct violation of my values and that’s what makes it harder. )

Anyway, she said- remember when the cubs had that rain delay at game 7 of the World Series? That’s where you are at right now. I know it [censored] right now, but you can come back and win this (meaning life)... this is just your rain delay.

It was so sweet of her, because I just want to be done with this financial torture. She knows how hard I’ve worked on myself, and all the sacrifices and tears up to this point, I can keep going and see this through the end. I have it in me. I’m just feeling very defeated. My ex seems so untouchable.

So, at the end of the day, Im trying to get that wheels back on the bus. Time to get back to journaling, and meditation, and time for myself to just breathe.