Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[sandi2]

I seem to be exhausted lately, all the time. I am still working out everyday, but the weight of this situation is having a profound effect on my overall attitude.

Depression can be disguised as fatigue. Not sleeping well or enough hours is another sign of depression. Some people have good results when they take St. John's Wort for depression, and Melatonin for sleep aid. Both are OTC. You have to figure out the dosage that works best for you when taking Melatonin. Too little, and you'll wake up too soon. I never felt "hung over" when taking Melatonin, like is common with prescription sleeping pills. Depression never caused me to lose my appetite.

but my body seems to be just telling me it cannot handle any more. Any more of what I do not know.

I have to challenge you a little bit here. When you look at the stitch you've been in for quite some time, plus the additional stress you cause for yourself (over-thinking everything), is it any wonder you are exhausted and your body is talking to you? You may not feel sick, but if you continue being your own worst enemy......you might get there. I encourage you to get a checkup and tell the doctor how you feel exhausted and aren't sleeping enough at night.

She has done nothing towards anything (that I know of). Nothing towards a D and nothing towards us starting to R. NOTHING. I had to make a decision on the health insurance with little to no input from her. Our lease is up in a few months, I feel a lot of pressure on this front.

Well, I'm repeating myself, but I don't think she's going to do a darn thing as long as things continue going this way. MWD says whenever the spouse gets too comfortable with the limbo stage......do something to change things. I think you need to do something that gets her out of her comfy position. This is just one of the reasons you need to leave the house at least one evening out of the weekday.....alone. No kids, no wife, and no details about where, what, and with whom. All you say is that you are going out, and don't wait up. You don't tell when you'll be home, or anything else. Can you just do that one thing? I'm sorry, but I think you are using your W and kids as your cover for not GAL. Your kids are old enough that it won't damage them for dad to go out for two or three hours on a weeknight. They are not the problem to you going out. YOU are the problem! Stir things up by becoming a bit unpredictable.

You need to stir things up for her. She has it too easy, and she's too comfortable in this limbo. Stop waiting for her to make the decisions. Do what you want to do. That is moving forward with or without her......by doing what you want to do.

I know I am not supposed to initiate any R talks, but how do I approach this subject knowing it is an R subject when it comes up?

Treat it like business. Don't get off into all the personal ying-yang about the MR.

YOU: "I have a decision to make about the lease coming up soon. I invite your input. If you choose not to share your thoughts about it, then I will accept that as your answer to mean you don't intend to live with us.....and I will act accordingly".

I have to start planning, looking, saving, etc for our new place. Is it "our new place" or is it where we split and it becomes "her" place and "my" place?

Don't say anything until you talk to the attorney. Once you speak with your attorney, you will know more about what to expect with the finances. Will you have to pay spousal support? Will you have to pay child support if the kids live with you 50% of the time, etc.

YOU: "If you want to live with me, then you need to tell me. Otherwise, I will move on without you, and you will be responsible for your own housing and expenses".

If she won't cooperate, then act as if she will not be living with you. If the attorney says you'll have to pay $$ amount of support, then plan with that in mind. You've constantly tossed this around in your head since the beginning, and it has not served you one bit. What's the point? Find out what the state dictates, and act accordingly. Just b/c she wants to play games doesn't mean you have to stay stuck. If you plan to get a new place, and she happens to change her mind and want to stay with you after not renewing the lease.......how would that affect things?

I believe that presently she would stay in this state of limbo indefinitely.

Absolutely!

She is not happy, she is depressed, she does not do anything, BUT I do think she knows that if/when we are done that her world will drastically change. Is she working on her plan A? If she is, she is very devious and secretive about it and she isn't doing anywhere but from her phone/tablet as she rarely goes anywhere.

How am I supposed to plan out my life and the kid's lives and make these decisions? Do I include her in the discussion? Or do I just plan accordingly and if she tags along then so be it?

Yes, absolutely! Unless.......you decide you don't want her. That's the key that I have wanted you to see to this entire situation. You talk like a victim.....but you are not a victim. Only you get to decide if you'll be a victim or not. B/c whether or not you see it, you do have a voice in your future plans.

Let's say she tags along. Haven't you been saying all this time that you wanted your family to stay together? Would getting a different house mean that the relationship with her would change? I doubt it. So, would you be willing to continue living in the save stitch but in a different house? That's your choice. If you don't want her tagging along, then tell her. First, find out how much percentage you will be mandated to pay her for support. Secondly, decide which way works best for you. I'm not talking about what you wish would come true. I'm talking dealing with reality. Based on nothing but the facts as there are right now, what will work better for you?

I need to get more GAL activities and luckily this month there are a few work related events that will "force" me out.

Those don't count.

"How can my D not be affected by this?" She willbe affected.
"So its ok to sleep with someone you want absolutely nothing to do with?" Since you are the one sleeping with her, then you have to make that decision. Do you see the marital bedroom as the symbolic core of unity & love in the home? Do the kids?
"What does my D really thing?" I'll check in my crystal ball. (OK, so it's not funny. The only b@lls I believe work, aren't made of crystal, anyway.)
"Does she think that I am a bad person?" Bad? I doubt it, but compared to whom or what? Most 14 year old girls think their dad is weird, but not bad.
"Does she think I am weak since I am sleeping in the same bed of someone who admittedly doesn't want to be with me?" Do you think she'd see you in a better light if you asked your W to sleep somewhere else........considering your W's issues with pain, etc.? What would D14 or S8 think if they saw dad sleeping on the couch?
"My S sees most of the same, but he is way younger and doesn't get it." Oh, don't kid yourself. (No pun intended.)
"He has seen some changes and he is intelligent so I imagine he feels the tension and knows something is askew." Well, there you go. Would it make things better or worse?