Yeh, that feels about right Steve. Also other fantasies are slowly crashing down for her so this just adds more fuel to the fire - I ain't around to provide partnership on these things to her.
J - yeah, I think I need to cultivate that look Maybe I'll look at a few videos of Dwayne Johnson as 'The Rock' to get his eyebrow tilt.
Nef - bro, you my philosopher on the side-hustle. Keep those quotes rolling in
M - You may need to <flex> a little bit so she really understands how you feel. I think we tend to take it early on and always feel the need to validate but once you get your legs underneath of you F-that I say....sometimes they just need to hear it
Yeh, that feels about right Steve. Also other fantasies are slowly crashing down for her so this just adds more fuel to the fire - I ain't around to provide partnership on these things to her.
J - yeah, I think I need to cultivate that look Maybe I'll look at a few videos of Dwayne Johnson as 'The Rock' to get his eyebrow tilt.
Nef - bro, you my philosopher on the side-hustle. Keep those quotes rolling in
I know in my sitch my W loved the control she had over me early on. When I started to detach, she felt that loss of control and realized that Plan B was slipping through her fingers, and Plan A was never that solid, and then all the other fantasies as you say followed suit.
Maika, I haven't followed your sitch real closely because you seemed to have a very good handle on things. But it feels as if your sitch is starting to head towards R? Am I misreading?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's definitely not heading towards a R. Most likely in the other direction actually. I am planning on filing for D Jan 2019. I need to get a couple of other things in order first and then do that.
I have a good handle on things and I am doing great, but the W has not really turned around at all. She's still super angry and judgmental and so I am just staying out of her line of fire. It's all good though. I am in a great place and things are finally clicking for me in all areas of my life.
Funny how different our sitches are even though we started this journey around the same time. Your STBXW is still angry and has not changed at all while my XW and I are very much like two people who never even were married.
You seem to be going strong so keep up the good work.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
You're totally right J. Some flexing is coming her way soon. I am cooked and done. Truly.
LC - yeah, the outcomes are so varied. J9 also started at the same time as us and it's been a ride for him as well. I am strong and just reached a place where I am like 'f$ck this'.... I am realizing lately how short life is and I truly don't want to be in this place any more. My friend is really quizzing me on why I haven't started dating and I don't have good reasons. I think that I am pretty much at a place emotionally and mentally where I am done. I just want my version of happiness and love and I am going to move on now. I have been moving forward but now it is time to move on.
Hey DB community! I am around and reading here and there, but not as active. Things are still the same on my end, hence no real updates. Moving in a couple of weeks to my apartment and I am looking forward to it. Yesterday I felt sad about it as it felt like I was losing something again. I processed my emotions, shed a few tears, and then took a nap. Woke up feeling better and started working on future plans. Re-framed my thoughts and realized that it's natural to feel the way I felt, and I am glad that I don't suppress my emotions anymore. Healthy release and then back on the saddle. Overall I am doing great and my emotional intelligence has improved tremendously.
Slight deviation - I had found an amazing piece on CL that I am sharing below. Can't post links so going to share the text. One of the things that made me crazy was W telling me that 'she has been unhappy for years'. I didn't know how to deal with that and how to even counter it, until I found this on CL that talks exactly about that. It's an old post. This is for the newbies who are getting the same line as one of the reasons for BD. Hopefully this will help.
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The other week someone asked me to decode, “I haven’t been happy for a long time.” (Also sometimes expressed as “WE haven’t been happy for a long time.”)
It’s trotted out when the chump is looking for an explanation as to why their family life just blew up.
Well DUH. “I haven’t been happy for a long time!”
This statement presupposes a number of things:
A) That the cheater’s happiness is the most important thing (and is a valid answer to the Why Did You Commit This Dreadful Betrayal?)
B) That they’ve silently suffered for a long time and gee whiz, isn’t it time AT LAST! that they experience some true happiness?
And…
C) How could you be so dumb that you never noticed how unhappy they were? Heck, how could you not notice how unhappy YOU were until they pointed it out? (WE haven’t been happy for a long time.)
This sends the chump into apoplexies of self reflection. Well, yes, I am sometimes unhappy, but it passes. Or… hang on, how could I have missed my spouse’s cosmic misery? Apparently it was long and went on for EONS. Am I just that insensitive?
Of course you have no way of challenging this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” statement because you are not in their heads. You have no idea what they feel. So if you say, “BUT YOU LOOKED HAPPY. You had kids with me! We went snorkeling in Barbados! You drank the coffee I brought to you every morning! You said you LOVED your birthday slippers!” the cheater can just say, “Nope. I wasn’t happy.”
But you looked happy. Happy enough anyway.
“No, I was full of sorrow. Every minute. My life was a burden of grief and misery. At night I used to gnaw at the invisible chains that kept me tethered to you.”
Oh.
So chumps, how are you supposed to interpret this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” crap? Here’s a few ways to look at it:
1.) Take them at their word. Okay, you’ve been a miserable sod for decades. You, cheater, are responsible for addressing the things that make you unhappy and adjusting your life accordingly. While as a loving spouse I want to support you, if your needs are not communicated to me, there is jack $hit I can do to help you.
2) Don’t accept responsibility. If the cheater was so unhappy in the marriage, they had ethical ways to go about ending their marriage — beginning with trying to save it first. Or getting out honestly before they told all their “troubles” to a sympathetic f#$kbuddy.
3) They’re bull$hitting you. Cake is delicious. They were probably perfectly happy with you and the services you provided — paycheck, child-rearing, air of respectability. It wasn’t until they were busted at D-Day that their Great Unhappiness was revealed. Blame shifting their “unhappiness” on to you is an invitation to do the pick me dance. Oh, you’re unhappy? How can I make you happy? I can control that! I can WIN your happiness! Let me TRY HARDER!
And guess what, they’re probably pulling the same $hit on the affair partner. Oh, my marriage makes me so unhappy, but I must stay for the children! I am a noble slave to convention! Woe! And the affair partner goes, I will PROVE to you that I can make you happy! I can control your destiny! I can WIN!
You don't have to post a link, you can read the first sentence and know where that came from, LOL! That site tends to make the LBS sound like a hapless victim of an evil WAS which of course isn't completely true, but it does make for some entertaining reading
Yeah for sure. some of the stuff there is truly over the top and makes the LBS look like they don't have agency... there's also a lot of angry ranting towards the WAS/WW, which I take with a grain of salt... i feel like they just haven't dealt with their anger issues and it's just a rant fest all the time. It is entertaining though lol.
Maybe I'll look at a few videos of Dwayne Johnson as 'The Rock' to get his eyebrow tilt.