Ready2Change told me about your thread and I wanted to come over and give you some support. As a fellow W going through a separation with a cheating husband, I am lost, confused, unsure, anxious, all of the above. Which SHINES through in my threads because I am clearly all over the place.
But try to take the advice of the vets here, they know what theyre talking about. Last week I threw myself into this process and told myself I would stick to it no matter what. My husband and I were not working on our R, but he was living at home, coparenting, spending time together, etc. I knew he was cake eating but I figured having him here was better than not, even though everyday I felt I lost respect for myself more and more.
He was on his phone one night an awful lot and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I quickly signed on and asked for ANYONE to give me advice as to how to handle it. Ready2change said to ask him to see his phone, if he would not oblige then tell him I am not willing to live with a man who is clearly seeing another woman.
I walked right out to the living room, asked to see his phone, he refused, and I told him if he refused I assume there is another woman, and I would not live under the same roof with him if that is what he was choosing. He was SO angry with me, wouldnt show me his phone, said he wasnt speaking to anyone else and left. That night was awful, awful, he was so angry he continued texting me awful things and I truly felt like I made a mistake.
It has been a week since that night and yes, it has been hard, but I can tell you my respect for myself is much better. He was living here and we got along and it was very nice, but he was doing whatever he wanted, coming home when he pleased, I felt completely used. Now that hes out, yes emotionally im a bit of a mess, but he is making more of an effort to be at our home with our daughter and he is communicating with me on a coparenting level much better than before. No, it isnt making a change in our R, but it did get the point across to him that he needs to be an active part of this family or he will not be part of it at all.
I know aspects of our stories are different, BD for me was just shy of a year ago, I was 5 months pregnant at the time with our first child. BD was out of nowhere, "I dont want to be married anymore, I dont think I love you. I need to do things for myself, ive been doing everything for everyone else. Its time for me to live for me." I was dumbfounded. I found out about OW 3 months later. D was born in Feb and she is now 6 months old..
The fog is strong. STRONG. He has tried on and off to make it work, gave up, went back to OW, came back to us, tried to stay with us and keep OW, over and over and over. Its a rollercoaster for sure. And I am on it right along side you. It is not easy, and some days I truly feel like I could crumble to the ground, but it does help knowing there are others out there going through this.
It is SO hard to find a balance between being cold or being upbeat and possibly coming off as needy. I struggle with it daily. If I say this will he think this. If I do that will he assume this....It makes me crazy. But the vets have really tried to instill in me, it isnt about him. It isnt about his reactions to what I do. I need to do this FOR ME. I need to DB for ME. Not for him. Steve says something along the lines of "Set him free to get him back". Its terrifying, setting them free. But it seems like a must.
I hope we can help eachother through this with advice! I didnt mean to come on your thread just to tell my story, but I find that when someone in a similar sitch comments on my threads and tells me what has and hasnt worked for them, it is EXTREMELY helpful.
