Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[Dtrmned]

journaling a bit.
I seem to be exhausted lately, all the time. I am still working out everyday, but the weight of this situation is having a profound effect on my overall attitude. As far as anyone else is concerned (work, kids, W, etc.) I am fine and life is going on and good. Outside of that, I find myself taking some time to try to catch up. I haven't slept well in years, so I don't feel it is that. I am good on 4-5 hours of sleep. It just feels like utter exhaustion and for no reason. The last week or so, I have taken some time to just rest my head at work (door closed obviously) and I've even pulled into a park a few times and just sat on a bench, leaned my head back and closed my eyes for about 30-45 minutes. Nothing seems to help with this. I do not feel sick in any way, still have an appetite, etc, but my body seems to be just telling me it cannot handle any more. Any more of what I do not know.

I do not have time for any other intrusions in my life right now. My focus is on my kids, work and of course db'ing and my W. DB'ing almost comes naturally now although I do reflect quite often, re-read links/posts/rules to make sure I am on the right path. I know what I need to improve on and do my best to not let anything intrude.

Mentioned earlier I got an A and meeting with them next week. I can only dream this is an effort in futility just to keep me busy. I fear it is not. My W has not mentioned anything, although yesterday she was a touch playful with her small talk. That was fun. I took it and moved on. She has done nothing towards anything (that I know of). Nothing towards a D and nothing towards us starting to R. NOTHING. I had to make a decision on the health insurance with little to no input from her. Our lease is up in a few months, I feel a lot of pressure on this front.

I know I am not supposed to initiate any R talks, but how do I approach this subject knowing it is an R subject when it comes up? I have to start planning, looking, saving, etc for our new place. Is it "our new place" or is it where we split and it becomes "her" place and "my" place? I just don't know. I believe that presently she would stay in this state of limbo indefinitely. She is not happy, she is depressed, she does not do anything, BUT I do think she knows that if/when we are done that her world will drastically change. Is she working on her plan A? If she is, she is very devious and secretive about it and she isn't doing anywhere but from her phone/tablet as she rarely goes anywhere.

How am I supposed to plan out my life and the kid's lives and make these decisions? Do I include her in the discussion? Or do I just plan accordingly and if she tags along then so be it? I don't like the position we are in, it is so much better than when I started DB'ing. We aren't fighting and having out every other day or even once a week. We haven't fought in over a month and it is much more calm around the household.

I'm sure they may surface at times, but gone are the days of my minute to minute obsessing about what she is thinking/doing/going to do, etc. I just do my thing daily. I need to get more GAL activities and luckily this month there are a few work related events that will "force" me out.

My kids are awesome and they do not deserve to be in this limbo situation either. I see if affecting them. Especially my D. I think that this is going to have a very long term affect on her views on relationships and marriage. How could it not? She has heard (through our various arguments) that I would do anything to keep our family together. She has also heard that her Mom says it is over and wants nothing to do with me. I go back to the part of how my D looks up to her Mom and now sees her Mom living with a man she says she wants nothing to do with, sleeping in the same bed with him, and sometimes doing fun things with him. How can my D not be affected by this? So its ok to sleep with someone you want absolutely nothing to do with? What does my D really thing? Does she think that I am a bad person? Does she think I am weak since I am sleeping in the same bed of someone who admittedly doesn't want to be with me? My S sees most of the same, but he is way younger and doesn't get it. He has seen some changes and he is intelligent so I imagine he feels the tension and knows something is askew.

What do I do?