For some reason I went into our former office, that is now mainly his room and saw a parcel addressed to a woman that I do not know in a city that I know he has been traveling to for work.When he arrives home he is obviously upset, that we are there. I did not mention the packet. But when my son was in his room later that night he told me that dad had hidden a packet under his blanket. So, why this secrecy? Besides that he goes out on walks almost every night and denied my son to go along, or he is upset when I want to go running at the same time he goes out running. When he is running it seems he takes longer then he used to. He could be running longer distances now, but does not seem that exhausted when he comes home. I assume he talks to her on the phone. Also texting a lot, smiling at his phone. I could just check the phone bill, but have not done so yet.
You don't need to check the phone bill. He is clearly, obviously having an affair. Perhaps not physical but frankly it doesn't matter. He's in love with the idea of a new life with someone else and nothing you do right now will dissuade him.
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I just was hoping he would have the decency to at least wait until he has moved out.
If you are expecting him to be good and decent then prepare to be constantly disappointed. No matter who he was before, right now he is a selfish lying cheater. That's what you are up against.
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It makes me so disappointed, sad, mad at the same time. Just thinking, that I cook meals for him, do his laundry, while he pursues another woman drives me crazy.
He's more than happy to take advantage of that too. Like Steve said, stop doing it. Just tell him you're done being his caretaker given that he no longer wants to be married and is actively pursuing other women. He will of course deny, deny, deny. Just hold firm and tell him you don't believe him and from now on he needs to take care of himself.
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And he never ever says thank you or it tastes good anymore, which he has always done for the last 15 years.
You old H is long gone. Like I said above, now you are married to a selfish lying cheater. Your old H may come back some day, but you've got a long road ahead of you with this interloper.
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I feel so used. For the last two days I have taken off the ring, avoid talking to him and have been rather cold. I have reread the section about last resort in DR, but find it hard to find the balance between not chasing and not being cold.
Read Sandi's rules every day. They are all about LOVINGLY detaching. Detaching has nothing to do with being cold and indifferent.
When I read sitches like yours, I always think the same thing. This guy is going to come back some day begging you to give him another chance. Many men his age go through this phase (call it MLC or whatever) where they think they want something/ someone new and different and they walk away from everything they know. Most of the time their W begs and pleads for them to stay and that just drives them farther away because it reeks of desperation which is terribly unattractive. But eventually the W gets tired of the BS and tells him "you know what? If this is what you want then go have it and leave me the hell alone, because I deserve better." It is only THEN that he realizes what he's losing and takes stock of his situation. He's living in some small apartment somewhere, dating some shallow floozy (anyone willing to date a married man is a floozy IMO) that does nothing for him except maybe give him some hot sex now and then (hardly a basis for a lasting relationship), has lost half his income and all his family time and wow, this ain't so great after all. Then they go dragging back with their tail between their legs and more often than not the W no longer wants them because too much resentment has built up in the meantime.
Anyway be patient, detach, GAL, leave him to the mess he's making. Work on you.
