DB / Detach, WAW... piecing

[Did]

Also, someone told W I have a girlfriend. She knows Ive been dating. I told her I saw no reason not to a few weeks ago. I dont have a girlfriend and she doesnt think I do but I have been dating the one woman for 2 weeks. I have already tried to slow it down with new woman as I figure things out.

I am considering bringing up this woman next time W and I talk. Mentioning she is really a good person... and needing to figure things out between W and I. Thoughts?

W said something about if youre with someone thats nice and caring and loving that would be great for D4. Said thats just as good for D4 as us being together. She just wants peace and everyone to be happy. I highly doubt she feels this way if it goes that way. But in no way do I feel comfortable using this woman to get W back. More so I am considering if W wants to start dating each other, slowing things down with new woman or taking a break telling her Im not ready for something as serious. I see IC tomorrow...

Im honestly scared of going all in with new woman and committing... which means I guess I realistically shouldnt be dating. Or shouldnt be dating someone seriously at least.

[ovrrnbw]

Did,

I read your whole response and all I could think is how she is playing you so bad. Then Steve typed it. Wake up, smell the coffee, and maybe even have a cup.

What's with the "date and get to know each other" crap? Is this your W or a stranger?

[Did]

She says we dont know each other. Wants to start as friends. It has been almost 1.5 years and we have both changed a lot. I for one have changed a heck of a lot. Maybe she is playing me. Maybe she just wants the support. But I dont think she even considers not having the support an option.

Is cutting the support going to have any positive outcome? I dont see it. I think we just divorce. Maybe we R during the time leading up to that. But letting her call the shots and the back and forth is insane. Theres so much to work on and if she wont commit to working with me and valuing me and our family then do I want to be with her anyway?

Dam* shes gorgeous and underneath all the Fd up [censored] she is a good person. Shes sensitive, introverted and has anxiety issues so by no means is she anywhere near perfect. But I believe she really just wants to get along. She doesnt seem to care if were together though... maybe because she thinks that will always be an option. I guess I pull that option at least for now. The quality of life is so much better if were together... I truly miss her in my life.

Maybe she only wants the safety net. I truly think she doesnt know. But backing off definitely brings her closer. I just dont know if I have the patience.

[Did]

Im straight up going to tell her youre playing me to extend the support. We know each other. We were married for 8 years

[Phoenix9]

Please don't take this question the wrong way but...

Are you in any counseling? I'm going over your saga and you are just zipping from one crazy scenario to another without really a breath in between? One moment you're dating someone, the next you're attempting to piece with a woman who clearly does not know what she wants.

Pot calling the kettle black, but dude...you need to slow...down. Slow down on your pursuit. Slow down on the dating. Slow down on the texts. Slow down on the calling. Slow down on...you!

Ask yourself...are YOU healthy? If you were to date you right now, would you?

[Loves77]

Hello friend.

Ready for some of me?!?!? Lol.

I can't help but check in on you. Your story is like a car crash. I just have to watch.

I like the above commenter. Bc I have to agree. After stepping back fro you and just reading, I honestly do not think you are any better than you were. Well maybe slightly. But I think you have went totally off topic. You go fromone post to the next flip flopping on whether or not you want to be married, but you expect her to be full on committed. And you are dating. That is a sore subject for me. Reason 1 - no way to stay committed to fixing yourself and marriage while galavanting around on dates with someone new. Reason 2 - why on earth would you drag an innocent person into your marriage. Bc whether or not you want to admit it, you are still married. It's not fair to this person. Reason 3 - if this said person knows that you are married, I question why they would even consider you, a married man.

My main reason for posting, you sound very chaotic. You read chaotic.

If your wife were my friend, I would be telling her to run! Flip the script and think of your actions. Is that the person you want to be. If so, continue.

[Did]

Thanks for the feedback. Youre right in some ways. I have been up and down and back and forth, my sleep has been off. Ive also been rushing to get these posts done with limited time from my phone between meetings today.

If you look back in my posts I was ready to divorce. I was tired of the games and the manipulation anxiety etc. I know the back and forth and not knowing is terribly unhealthy for me. Maybe I should just get off this train... W says being married doesnt mean much to her its just a piece of paper. So different than how she was in the marriage. I cant believe thats how she truly feels... The relationship is pretty toxic in how we affect each other if were not careful we bring each other way down. I believe we could also bring each other up if we were on the same page and in sync on choosing to love each other and our family if things would be better... but I cant know.

Yes she doesnt know what she wants but then she wants to spend time together and get to know me again. She throws out [censored] like you cant kiss me out of left field.... after coming at me with Ive been thinking of you a lot and feeling things I havent felt in a long time.

Its like the rubber band attaching our hearts I thought was almost gone (detaching after barely talking up until last week) snapped me right back. So detach more and DB??? I really dont know what to do. Hoping IC will give some clarity tomorrow. We are talking about potentially divorcing but then we swam together the 3 of us yesterday and had lunch today. Thats crazy in itself.

I regret starting dating with this new woman. I thought I was ready and I was getting divorced but now I have no idea. The hardest part is I felt like I could have a life with this woman a family a deep connection... if the timing was right but obviously it is not. I have to take a step back and tell her.

Yes I have counseling at noon tomorrow. I have been trying to get an appointment for a week but had D4 at beach and couldnt make it last week.

Underneath it all there is the feeling that W is not healthy. Its like you want the hot crazy girl but you should really choose the good nice girl whos attractive and fit but maybe not as sexy... W thinks she is healthy and presents herself as such. But the things she is saying drive me crazy. Am I wrong to think these comments she's making are off the wall? Yesterday she said she isnt ready to date only one person. Then the next day she said shed never date more than one person at a time. Maybe that in itself is reason enough to cut ties and divorce... I wish shed get into IC but she wont.

Im good with honest feedback and tough love.... but its some heavy sh*t. Sleeping has been tough at times. Maybe just detach further and go LRT / limited contact.

I appreciate you all chiming in.

[Loves77]

She doesn't sound any crazier than YOU my dear. Mr. I want my marriage to work but I started to date another but I still want my wife back.

You hold everything she says to a tee when one of the first rules you were told to remember was believe nothing they say. But you pick and choose what you want to hear from her, at select times, and then you also use some of the things she says to validate you actions. Very juvenile.

I'll be honest. I can totally understand why she says she thinks that you will be mean. You take everything that she says and mark it in stone and scrutinize it to the tee. Dang dude. Calm down!!!!

[Did]

Thanks for the perspective. I'll try to calm down. I think I hear everything she says. She doesnt know what she wants. She doesnt care about the marriage. She wants peace and happiness for all of us. Shes thinking of me more and feeling things for me.

I admitted it was a mistake to start dating new girl. This has happened a couple times. Every time I start seeing someone W starts expressing interest.

The scrutiny makes her unable to be herself. Because if she says something I mark it in stone.... not even sure where to start in therapy tomorrow.

[Did]

Just looking through my texts from today:

W- I hope youre ok after our talk. I just want everyone to be peaceful and happy. I dont have all the answers. (I was fine and didnt think much of it we were supposed to talk again tonight)

Me- I dont expect you to know or have all the answers but your answers are so out there to me.

W- Alien emoji

Me- You wont date one person but you have this huge sigh when I say lets get divorced then. It cant be both. I understand your situation with starting a business.

W- We should get divorced. I always feel like theres a sense of control and maybe its because we are still married.

Me- (Text overlap at same time) Part of me thinks lets divorce and if we come together in the future so be it. But the other par wants to get to date or get to know each other again.

W- Yea

Me- Ok

W- The marriage thing doesnt really matter to me. You know Ive always thought of it as a piece of paper. Legal whatever (This was only after separation - before that she was incredibly into the marriage and loyal... until she wasnt)

Me- I just feel like I will want space to get over you and not talk to you.

W- Ok..

Phone Call I called her because the texting is too much for me - goes somewhat well about caring for each other and getting along being on the same page not toxic if we are on the same page etc... 10 min but she tells me shes crying which doesnt show at all in the convo.

Me- I hope youre ok.

W- Im ok I just process slower and in a different way than you.
Let me focus on D4 and her first day of school.
Dont wanna be distracted or not present.

Me- Glad youre ok lets focus on the positives and the present ttyl.

W- Shes sad and wanted you to be there after school.

Me- Always will. Finishing up a meeting.

W- Facetime
ASAP

Facetimed an hour later when free.

W- 2 Hours later do you want to say goodnight or facetime.

Me- Facetime in a few.

W- Sends pic of me walking D4 into school awesome picture...

Me- Thanks.

Do I go back to DB and detach focus on myself... slow down / take a break with other women... W said yesterday she was dating because I was dating a few months ago... now adamant that she isnt seeing anyone.... stop support after this month and just dont say anything about it. See what happens.

I lose sleep thinking about this sh*t. Its affecting me a lot and it tears at me. I guess either way I have to get back to detaching... over and out. Thanks for reading my ridiculous BS.