I've been having my ups and downs, but overall I'm good. I am still struggling with the decision to continue standing or not. Then I struggle with the fact that I even ask the question...as if it matters. I know that I have to continue living my life and release all expectations that I have for my W. That is a difficult thing to do because with her living somewhere else now, I find that my thoughts of her are not on the past couple of years, but of all the years before that. That causes me to miss her. It causes me to want to call her and tell her how I feel...that I miss her. I know I can't do that, and I know that my desire to do that is keeping me from moving forward faster than I am. I also know that I can't force my way through that set of feelings. I've tried. I tried to force myself to let go, and maybe for a few days it seemed to work. Then I would cycle back to loving and missing her. I finally realized that only time will allow me to fully let go/move on and that I have to experience this grief and move through it...not around it.
In the beginning I was living moment to moment. I was getting triggered by all her actions and cycling up and down with her moods. It was unbearable. I was able to detach to a very small degree and then not cycle with her as much, but I was living hour to hour, and then day to day. Now that she has moved out I find myself doing really well for 4 to 5 days at a time. To the point that after several days feeling good that I am done with W. I realized that this has more to do with not seeing her or talking to her. Then, I see her or talk to her and I then miss her again. I do not act on it, but it takes me between a few minutes to a day to get back to not missing her and feeling sad. So, I am going through days at a time where I am feeling much better. Even on the days I am missing W, it isn't an overly oppressive feeling, just a sadness that pops up from missing someone you dearly care about. Today I am missing her...
I have had my kids for the last week and it has been great! We have done lots of stuff over the last few days. I am keeping us active and GAL for myself and the kids (family life), so I am faking it till I make it, and I am making it more often now than faking it.
Of course, with all my attempts and efforts at moving on and getting a life, I still miss my wife.
