Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

Some good comments to make me think so far. Let me respond.

Me recent revelation?

I don't know what that means? Typo perhaps?

IMO this is generally what happens with casual type of hook ups only a couple of times a month....eventually someone wants more.

I don't disagree with you - the thing is, that "someone" rarely has been me. It was once before - nearly 25 years ago now - but I have three or four true FWB, but we flow in and out of each other's lives much less frequently, rarely more than a few times a year and sometimes only a few times every few years depending what each of us has going on.

Consistency and reassurance is found in a RELATIONSHIP. People who are avoidant of those qualities don't want a relationship.So, basically what you want from her, is a relationship.

See, this, along with Joseph's comment do kind of sum it up. I may want more of a real R. But here is the thing, as sure as I'm sitting here typing this, if that happened, I'd back off and distance. It may eventrually be put to the test, who knows. This is why I'm trying to be cautious because "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it."

It's really ironic and perhaps telling to me that I was thinking, "hmmmm I wonder if this is how my exW felt early on." When we first met she wanted to see me ALL OF THE TIME. Perhaps that's why I'm now so avoidant??? If she didn't see me at least twice a week, there would be hell to pay - well okay not that but it bothered her and I could tell. The thing is, I was interested - obviously, I married her for crying out loud. I just didn't see a need or feel the need to see her all the time - yet she did. That brought me to wonder if this is how she felt back then. And I was not looking to break up with her or anything - for the most part anyhow - I just didn't feel the desire to see her all the time.

Even now, every couple of weeks really is fine. It's the unknown that bothers me. And it's also the realization I may be correct about my intial assessment that stinks. If only the broken part was not there - much else fits. That then gets my mind going - like Saturday yet when we talked, it was clearly just all in my head - and it may just still be all in my head. She posted a pic of the girls on social media today for first day back to school and said she thought she was going to cry. I'm sure this is part of the picture. But, and I hate to keep coming back to this, a Google search seems to point to 5 to 10 days prior to her period for the time of PMS - including all of the emotional aspects. Well guess where she is on that calendar right now???? I'm just sayin LOL

You are 12 years out roughly. She's perhaps (picking number out of the air) 12 months from her last disappointment? You are both in very different places in terms of trusting in yourself and others.

That's a good point and something I didn't think through fully. See, she's D'd for 9 years. That's a long time. But you are correct, she knew this guy while she was still married and started dating casually after they D'd. That intensified but then he broke it off for this other woman and married her. However, even while "dating" it doesn't sound like it was what any of us would call really dating. He didn't date her, he "hid her away" by her own words (this was prior to the wife) and didn't really act as a couple - didn't do family things, etc. It sounds largely like a sexual R than anything.

Beyond that, she talks often about what her ex H did. Beyond his drinking, constant verbal put downs and some physical abuse, he tried to take the kids from her. This was only a few years ago and for the life of me I can't see how he could even try. Perhaps there is something I don't know but the judge threw it out rather quickly and nothing ever changed other than the girls have little if any interaction with him. He has no visitation, they don't communicate much at all. Other than stopping to pick up money for drivers ed that he agreed to pay, D15 has not heard from him since her birthday in May. Wild Girl and the two girls are very, very tight. She really has done well with those girls. You'd think based on this info they would be very screwed up but from all I can tell, they are really, really well adjusted girls - especially D17 who is rather amazing from everything I can tell - work, school, interests, friends, boyfriend, outgoing, personable, you name it. D15 struggles a bit more but I'm betting she will blossom in the next year or two like her sister has. Anyhow, this court action profoundly effected her. She still talks of it somewhat often, blames her anxiety on it, etc.

She has a very solid, confident exterior. She really does, including saying how this is who she is and if guys don't like it, too bad. She also is very good about not trying to change me - really good. Even the things that my friends give me crap and tease me about, she rarely does. I don't know if she accepts it or not but she clearly does not try to change it. Anyhow, for all of this confident exterior, I think there is someone else entirely deep down. At least she's doing a great job of faking it until you make it! I'm just still discovering the real Wild Girl - including she's not nearly as wild as I first thought.

So, yes Andrew, her baggage is much more recent and more raw. I don't fix people so all I can do is step back a bit and support as needed as I can. She needs to work through all of this. And at this age, everyone has baggage - it's just the case, including me. I'm just not very good at dealing with it. It's largely why I've not had a significant R in many years. I just don't do well with drama and emotions and all of that. I'm a very, very even guy. On a scale of 1 to 10 I usually am at a 7 or 8, rarely lower than a 5 and rarely higher than that 8. That's me. Others can be an 8 in the morning and a 3 in the afternoon followed by a 10 the next day. It's who they are. I may just have to learn to live better with those who are different than I am - which might be most people - as well as re-learn to deal with women and all that comes with them.