Crushed and helpless

[sandi2]

I have some questions for Sandi i hope you read this...
How do i find the balance to let W know that i care and want to be with her without being clingy or needy and being strong letting her know im not her little B#%ch anymore?

When dealing with a wayward W, you can't let her know that you care and want to be with her. That is why any form of pursuit puts you back, b/c you give your hand away by letting her see (by your pursuing actions) that you want her. I realize this may shock you to read, but I am telling you that no wayward W is going to change as long as her H is trying to show her how much he cares and wants her back. Therefore, get that notion out of your head. It is CRITICAL that you show no needy/clingy behavior. Becoming a strong, confident man who does not fear his W.....is all you'll need in order to show her you won't be her little b'tch anymore. When you stop being controlled by whatever she thinks...…..then you'll be on your way to becoming your own man.

My suggestion is that you stop fighting to get her back. Instead, let her go. Let go of your feelings.....the need to control; the need to snoop; the need to satisfy her demands; the need to have her in your life; etc. Just let it all go. In it's place, you focus on building a new and better life for yourself. Take classes about relationships; read books or take classes that will teach you how to have confidence and/or improve whatever has been lacking the past few years; Learn about the alpha vs beta male; google search about the meaning of "dominant male"; get out and go where there will be people; spend time with male buddies (who have no connection to your WW); volunteer to help others; do what you enjoy. You need nobody's permission or approval. Am I telling you to file for a divorce? No, not if you don't want it. However, if she files for one, it's not the end of the world. There is life after a D.

I don't give the advice to start dating in order to make the W jealous. B/c the LBH is very vulnerable and is at risk for a rebound relationship. We have cases right now where the LBH is still legally M and interested in an OW. I don't think it is necessary to date just to make your WW jealous. Your counselor is kind of on the right track, b/c WW's are usually jealous......simply b/c they are so selfish. However, complicating your life with another woman is probably not what you need at this time. You'd be surprised just how quickly a LBH can jump from his M to OW, b/c of his vulnerability. The problem is that you would probably make the same mistakes again with someone else.....if you don't first take this time frame to work on you becoming the best version of yourself. As a former WW, I can honestly say that if my H had dumped me...…..it would have worked in yanking my tail out of the fog real quick! And, he would not have had to date another woman to do it. You may be ready to date later, but I wouldn't jump into it just to cause jealously in your W.

Should i just leave her and D alone and not pursue seeing D but rather wait till D wants to see me.Its clear in my mind D is on mums side(i hate saying like its W against myself)
I message D all the time but barely get a reply.
Im pretty sure D lies for W and hides the truth from me which breaks my heart.I use to see MIL do the same thing to FIL .

Yes, leave your WW alone, Don't leave D15 alone. They are not the same and should never be seen as the same issue. Truth is that D15 is at risk to learn negative things from her mother. She is caught in the middle, and she's the one having to live with the mother. However, girls are influenced by both parents. D15 needs her father, whether or not the mother ever will. D15 is going to get fed up with her mother's lack of concern, lies, and bs. Don't try to pin her down to get information about her mother. You need to create a relationship with D15 that is just the two of you. Don't make the R with your daughter about her mother. Just talk about D15's needs, her school, her activities, etc. And listen to her. Really HEAR what she says. What are you saying in your texts? Are you texting while she is in school?

Wife had become a product of her environment and now D is following in the family tradition aswell...D and W knows i cant stand liars,is that a reason why they both do lie to me fear of being called out for lying?

I urge you to be careful lumping your daughter's fate into that of your W. We all are products of our environment, as to how we have been influenced. As adults, we cannot allow it to become an excuse for bad behavior. Influenced or not, we have free volition. Obviously, you must have believed the best about your W when you M her. Wasn't it after you had been away working that all of the trouble started? I understand the concern, I really do. (My grandchildren were in a very similar stitch). As long as daddy has contact with his children, he can influence them for good. Even if D15 is close to her mom, she can still have a R with you. Even if it appears that her mom's negative influence is larger at the moment......it doesn't mean it will always be this way. I was extremely close to my mother, and people would say I was a copy of her. But it was my father's influence that had the stronger impact overall. And, that's not to take anything away from my mother's role, b/c they both were wonderful parents. My sister, raised by the same parents, in the same environment......chose not to always live by the same values/principles until much later in her life. Bottom line, influence plays an important part, but we still have free volition. So, don't give up on D15.

Decided to cut all money from W .
When she contacts me about it im going to say
1. it was her decision to live this way and i will no longer be helping finance her new life.
2. D will get a bank card for anything she needs.
As much as i want to mention her moving on with someone else i wont!!

Well, it may be too late to express my two cents worth, but I will. First, it's JMHO that a 15 year old girl would have to be exceptionally mature in order to handle a bank card responsibly. I mean, how tempting would that be for a teenage girl to go without food, in order to get the latest fashion trend? Secondly, it will pit the daughter against the mother. Maybe that is what you had in mind, IDK. I don't think you should continue to finance your W's lifestyle, but I think giving her the amount the state would order for child support is a better system. If she spends it all, then she gets no more from you until the next scheduled payment. Rent, utilities, and non-eatable products fall under child support. I don't mean you have to pay for everything, but I'm just saying that it would be difficult to separate some of the things. You should not have to say what's what if you send a lump sum and tell her that is all she gets until the next payment. Make sense? That might save arguments, tears, threats, etc. Plus, it gives up a lot of your control over what she buys with the money.

Lastly, let me give you these thoughts. Don't make decisions that are punitive in nature. It will not serve you well. Yes, she chose this lifestyle, but it won't help you to throw it up in her face. Just b/c you read the words on the board, doesn't mean you should repeat the same words to her. Know what I mean? In fact, this new decision, if carried out, may open up a floodgate of troubles for you. So, in the future, you might want to run your thoughts by the board before making a final decision. ((hugs))