Davide - thank you for your kind words. I am trying not to go down the cheeseless R tunnel (the metaphore is very fitting) for that way madness lies. It is hard to avoid though. Particularly when you're on your own, which these days, I am often. Oh, how I use to wish for time to myself.
My H still considers this his house. At the start he use to drop by all the time and just take things. Mostly spare things we didn't use anymore but it use to get to me. These were things I had picked out and bought. I eventually asked him to ask first, and to give him his due, he hasn't taken anything since. He now only comes round when he has the children and I am at work. The kids prefer being here than at his flat so we've agreed that that is OK. He wasn't expecting me to be home on Friday, so I expect he probably does still drop by without the kids - but I can't really prove it. I get the sense as time goes by he will drop by less and less as he feels less like this is his home.
Harvey - you are right. When I started reading the various threads they all sounded familiar. I didn't really put much stock in mid life crises, thinking it was just a cliché we use to tease men with red sports cars. But the last year and reading this site in particular has made me believe it is real and that belief helps me to hold on for the day he comes out of it.
D12 is going through a life transition. Moving from child to teenager. She is learning who she is. I sense her detachment. Most of the time, noting I say or do (I am her mum after all) is right. People don't think it is at all strange when I say "I guess I'll just have to hang in there until she's 18 and comes out of it", yet, when I tell people I have not given up on my H, they look at me as if (and sometimes say) I'm mad and how could I put up with him. I would not give up on my daughter. Why would I give up on my marriage. I believe my daughter will come out of her transition a fuller person. My relationship with her post transition, will depend on my reactions during her transition. If I act with kindness and patience, obviously setting boundaries a long the way, then our relationship will be stronger. I hope the same of my H. And if not, I hope, like you, Harvey, that I am a better person for having gone through this.
Taking Davides advice and doing some journaling ....
I went out with my girlfriends on Friday night (after the unexpected visit from H) and it actually went really well. Most of the conversation was around our kids but there was laughter and some of it from me wasn't even forced . I met them at the school gate when D12 was 3 so we have known each other a long time. There was live music which was really good but was there more for ambience and background noise then the main event. They all commented how much better I looked, apparently I use to look like a shell of myself immediately post BD and now have colour some back and have put weight on. I feel much lighter physically and emotionally and their saying so was a little validation of this. We are planning on going to a comedy night next month which I am looking forward to.
I started to come down with something over the weekend. I had lots planned, mostly errands and such, but had to put them aside in favour of sitting on the sofa and feeling sorry for myself. Luckily my kids are still away with my ILs so I could be pitiful in peace. Normal levels of pity when your sick, not my H has left me and my life is ****.
Work yesterday and now sitting at home waiting for my H to bring the kids back.
My birthday is next month so am planning a birthday party. My first in 20 years. I've been so busy with my career and being a mum that I have let 20 years pass. BD was just before my birthday last year and I think I need to celebrate how far I've come.
