Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

Those of you following along with me here the past three or so months might figure, well it's a Tuesday and it's been two weeks since Don saw Wild Girl so there should be a wild update coming. Nope, not this time. Not sure what is going on but of course it's given me too much time to think - and that's not usually good. If I am not sure, I'm not sure how any of you can be just from what I say but you may well see things I don't. So let's go.

So on the surface things are mostly fine and it was a good week. However, I'm not so sure. Is it because of what we all know happens and you just can't trust people? I've been so happy I solved the cruise thing - which I'll admit has been too big of a deal for me but it is what it is. It really bothered me since February when I found out and seemingly it's all come together nearly as best as I could have hoped for. Tickets were cut for the air last week Wednesday so there is no backing out now. So it's happening. I really don't think Wild Girl would pull out at this point yet that's what is often on my mind.

So last week Monday we talked on the phone for several hours as typical for us - -all good. Tuesday we texted a bit and I quickly got "I'm sorry I can't talk have a wonderful night" okay no big deal. Wednesday was when the tickets came through so I let her know. Turns out her two girls expressed displeasure/concern/whatever on Tuesday that she spends so much time on the phone with me and a few days together. They are feeling neglected and a bit jealous according to Wild Girl. I totally get that and told her, just be with your girls. She understands them but also says that they want her to be happy and are glad she has someone who is interested in her - but then when that happens, they don't like it. Now for the most part the girls really do seem to like me, especially D17 who will grab the phone and tell me about something she just did or whatever. So Wednesday again went very well with Wild Girl being more emotionally close than typical saying things like "It makes me feel so good how excited you are, my smile couldn't be any bigger." and "I am so blessed Don and it's all because of you." Even called me "sweetheart" which is not typical of her. So she is obviously very, very excited about the cruise. We even talking about some other weekend trip ideas for Fall - she brought them up. She then says it looks like camping plans are getting cancelled so we might be able to get together this weekend (this past weekend) - which I'm excited to hear.

Thursday she had to see her ex H - which is rare. Not sure if that means anything or not. She saw her dad, who immediately talked about me I guess. Her, her dad and the girls were picking up some new furniture. We texted a bit Thursday night and all seemed normal although she said she was not as sure about coming out this weekend - had friends coming over Friday, might have a party on Saturday and for certain a cook out on Sunday. I'm like well okay and made plans myself so I was busy all three days.

So turns out she did nothing on Friday night, just stayed home. She texted me late in the night and told me later her friends wanted to watch the college football game at the bar and she opted out - just felt like staying home. I had met up with a friend I've not seen in many months. Saturday I was very busy and didn't hear from her at all. By now I'm starting to feel some anxiety like what is going on. Why not come out like you said - especially if you didn't do anything else? But, I need alone time too so perhaps that was it? Anyhow, we somehow end up on the phone late Saturday night after I got home from a cook out and everything is 1000% normal. We ended up talking for over two hours and were both shocked when we saw it was near 1:30. She even told me that she told the girls about the cruise - something she said she would not do for a while yet (but I knew she would not be able to wait) They were all fine with it - other than they wanted to go too! At this point I'm thinking, see Don, it was all in your head! Things are fine.

Sunday we both had separate plans and once again, I don't hear much from her. Monday, we both did nothing. It was a hugely dreary day, rained all day long. We both binged watched shows, though had no contact until after 9 PM. We did text later at night and that seemed normal but then when she was going to sleep she tells me "hopefully I'll be able to sleep, too much on my mind" followed by "I thought too much today and wish it didn't rain so I could have taken a long walk" I asked if there was anything I can help with and was told "Not at the moment" followed by pleasant goodnights.

I keep coming back to her being broken but I also am really thinking about me. I don't know if she has depression with her anxiety? She's done this dance before but often goes through with the plans, we have an incredible time - with her talking about it for weeks after - yet she can't seem to get out of the way of herself. I hate the unknown. Just let me know - don't lie to me and don't surprise me with stuff. It makes no sense that we both did nothing and would have had a great time had we just met up. I really think that her daughters are a part of it - especially D15. But she also brought up past BF of many years who she took back when he said he left his wife only to find out they were having a baby - which was delivered a week or two ago. She is honest with me about these things, which I value. It would be far easier not to tell me. She even sort of asked me about kids and why I didn't have my own, etc. She sort of hinted at would I ever want a baby, to which I said, Wild Girl, at 55 there is simply no way that is in my future and for her at near 44 or 45 before it would happen at this point that ship has likely sailed for her as well which she agreed with, but I can tell it makes her very emotional. She thought her and ex BF were going to marry and have one more baby together -with him at 34 it makes total sense. He's now done that with his wife.

I'm certain we will talk about what went out for her this weekend in due time, but I'm all about timing and this was not the right timing - especially not on text. We have firm plans for next weekend with me staying at her house. She has never cancelled firm plans and only once cancelled other plans - unless this weekend counts but that was just a mention. For me I'm getting what I've always said I wanted - someone who is not pushy, doesn't want an R, will see me a couple times a month - no more than once a week. I'm getting some of the best sex of my life (Sorry if that's TMI but I'm really being honest). She is total fun. So I really am getting what I thought I wanted. But now, am I wanting more? I think I'm mostly wanting consistency and reassurance - not very much in on Wednesday with being so happy and on and on and then distant three days later - although certainly not distant Saturday night. Or am I reading too much into it? Go with your gut is what I often say and my gut tells me something is up - and what is up is a broken Wild Girl. I don't at all think she is playing games or trying on purpose to do any of this - I think it is her in her core and she can't help it. Time will tell as the picture continues to unfold I guess. What's even crazier though, is if she was all in, I'd be running away and distancing - perhaps like she is now? Maybe that's what's going on - we are both avoidant and when one gets closer the other pulls away?

Complicated to say the least. It will all come out in time and I just need to be a bit more detached and continue my GAL. Nothing is ever easy. I'm still having more fun and enjoying this than I did in the first half of the year before it started. Still, this angst and anxiety is no fun - I hate this part. But it's part of every R - at least on some level. Things are never smooth sailing and even when they sometimes are, that blows up out of nowhere. Okay, I've got to stop typing here as it's too long already.