I know I should meet with lawyers, I havent brought myself to even start that process. My personal goals for the week are to have stuck to my workout regimen, cook healthy meals every night, get the living room redo completed (which makes me feel very good in my own home), and get organized with my plans for the month, get my calendar filled out, etc.
Another goal is to finish DB book and purchase DR. I would like to start journaling again, which is something I have done my whole life and seems to help through tough times. After my dad passed away from cancer it really helped me get through, and when this whole thing started, journaling REALLY helped me through the remainder of my pregnancy because I was hanging on by a thread there.
On top of my full time job, I have an etsy shop where I make wood signs, etc. And I absolutely love doing it, so I think it would be good for me to throw myself into that a bit. I have 3 orders right now I need to get done, so I should make it a goal to get them all completed. I think 1 night this week while H is here with D I will go get a pedicure. I also have had massage gift cards for a while now that I should put to use.
I know the more things I change in the house, the less he is going to feel like it is home. And thats not what I want, but I want to feel really good every single day when I walk into the house. He knows I have always loved to switch things up in our homes, and with being pregnant and having the baby within a year after buying the home, we never really got the chance to create a home. But I guess at this juncture I cant do things based off of what im afraid his reaction will be. I have to do things for me and for the baby. And I want to feel good.
Fall is around the corner and it is my favorite season. It was the WORST last year, I did not enjoy one ounce of it, even though I was pregnant and it should have been the best time ever. I am so afraid that I will be so sad this year I wont enjoy any of it again, and with a baby we should be having so much fun, going to pumpkin patches, enjoying the season. I am determined to still do those things with her. Of course I would LOVE for him to be a part of it all, but clearly that isnt looking like the case. I just hope I can keep a happy mindset and not miss out on fun things with my daughter.
I have allowed myself to miss out on so much already due to being so sad. I dont want to anymore. And I know if the divorce starts to happen it is going to REALLY do a number on me.
Its like I try to prepare myself for all the bad to come so it isnt so much of a blow. The BD was almost a year ago and it was truly the most earth shattering time in my life. I dont want that to happen again. I am a mom now, I have to be able to pick myself up. I want him to WANT to be with me and want to be my partner still, but I guess right now he just wants to live his own life and still be a dad, and I have to accept that.
