pain18 and lost8, thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt words. I appreciate it tremendously.

I feel like I'm doing all the right things that I need to do for me. I am exercising everyday. On Sunday, I went to a meditation service for the first time and that was really good for me, so I think I will incorporate that into my life. I have a therapist and a divorce/separation support group. I'm trying to get involved a couple other activities to meet people.

I have needed to make changes for myself for a long time so I'm trying to focus on myself. I am evolving.

Yesterday, my husband and I talked and it was really good. I was sick with anxiety before he came over which seems so crazy that I would be so scared to talk to this man who was my safe place for 13 years. Before he came over, I tried very hard to get myself into the mindset that I would approach our conversation from a place of loving kindness and compassion. This doesn't mean I forgive anything or that I intend to ignore my pain, but the best thing for our relationship long term was to put all of that aside for now. If we patch things up, there will be plenty of time for that. And if not, there will other opportunities for me to vent. But venting now won't accomplish anything.

Somehow, I found words that felt like the right things to say. I didn't try to solve anything or push anything, but we talked a bit about our relationship in a big picture view. He opened up and cried several times. I feel like we connected in a very real and honest way which has been lacking for some time and that was tremendously valuable. I think he left with some important things to think about.

I'd intended to talk about the OW but it didn't feel like the right time. He doesn't know that I know the extent of it and something came up during our visit which made it look to me like the relationship is already imploding (like I knew it would).

One reason for hope... I told him that I wasn't ready to walk away from our marriage and he told me he wasn't sure anymore either. He said 2 weeks before he thought he was sure, but now he's not.

So that's something for me to hold on to.

He also noticed the things I've been doing for myself and said he's happy for me, said I looked good.

I think doing the "going dark" thing was useful. But it was also good to talk and check in. He's going through something too (depression/midlife crisis) and as his fun, temporary fling dwindles he's realizing he still has the same unhappiness he had before (that he blamed me for).

He needs time on his own to figure [censored] out and work on himself (which he knows). He's just not in a place to work on our relationship right now, but I think he may be headed there. I just need to give him time and space.

And I need to GAL and work on me.

I'm glad I started the Lexapro and I'm not sorry. I was in a really dark place and I couldn't take feeling the feelings anymore. The agony was non-stop. I was in such a bad place that doing the things I need to do to get back on track were not going to happen. I couldn't function normally in the world and I was starting to fear for my safety. One week in, (taking only 1/2 a pill each day) my horrible feelings have significantly lessened. I know I need to feel them eventually and I will get off again in a few months, but now I can function in the world, interact with people, focus on getting some work done and getting a job.

That's all for now. I'll update when I have news to share.

Thanks again for your words of kindness and encouragement.