Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[Pax_luv]

Pin and Bru thank you so much for chiming in. I appreciate it.

I think I’m going through my own mlc right now.... ok maybe not full blown, but I definitely have the blues and I’m trying to make it better. As you all know, I deal with my ex’s shenanigans the best I can, and I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the last few years... but I think Ive hit a wall. I’m exhausted and sometimes the legal stuff just [censored] the life out of me. I’m not a high conflict person at all so this all has taken its toll. I’m so done.

There’s a lot of factors coming into play right now.... my birthday is coming up and it’s the age that I predicted I would be done having kids by. Well, i have no kids and no father prospects either. That is super depressing. I’m not sure it’s going to happen for me and it makes me so sad.

I’m at the top of my career in my job at my company. I won’t be able to advance further unless I change roles/ departments. I’m happy with my work, but I want to get new skills so I can be even better at it. I’ve been wanting to go back to school, but I can’t afford it. (Actually I’m not sure I’m even allowed to go back to school with the legal stuff that’s going on).

In any case, I could definitely use a little more income to feel more comfortable especially right now since I have thousands (plural) going out each month to pay for the accountant and lawyer. It stresses me out, but I’m scrappy and don’t spend too excessively. My once a week personal training just got eliminated and I’m sooooooo upset about it because it is a huge help to me personally and cheaper than therapy. But I have to do what I have to do. I must sacrifice.

Speaking of therapy.... I need to start going back and talking to someone...especially since I’ve been feeling a little low for a while now. I think it could help. Fortunately, I have it covered through my medical benefits so I will make an appt to just talk with someone. I don’t have anything concrete to say and I’m sure it’s all part of the grieving process, but I guess I’m looking for a little guidance to help me move forward since I’ve stalled out.

Back in 2016 when I was about 9 months into this mess a physician friend of mine recommended a self help conference for me to attend out of state. This 4 day workshop was sooooo beneficial, I’ve been thinking of trying to find a way to go back for the second part of the workshop that goes much deeper. Maybe it will be a birthday present to myself.

Going back to finances, I’ve been looking into side hustles so I can make just a little bit more money. I would love to try and find a way to reinvest it into some classes for myself as well.

And the draw to change up my personal appearance is also strong. I’m just feeling very unsettled with my self I guess. I’ve had feelings of depression for about 3 months now. At first I thought it was because I finished my goal of competing in a bikini body building contest. I just thought I had the post-show blues and my hormones were probably out of whack from the strict low fat diet. But a few weeks passed and it never really got better, however, i did find that I was eating my feelings away. A few weeks after that, I went to wedding with my best friend out of the country and we parlayed that into a mini vacation. I had the best time, but when I got back those feelings of sadness came creeping up again!! Arg.

Also, It’s been getting harder to get out of bed in the morning (I also blame that on the weather changing), and I even wore the same outfit to work 2 days in a row! That is terrible and I would never normally do it, but it’s all I could do to get going.

So yeah.... I guess the silver lining is, Im aware of these feelings of sadness. Pre and post bd I wasn’t aware of these feelings though I was definitely depressed in life.

So, there ya have it. Maybe more depression than a full blown MLc, but I will say, I wouldn’t mind a fling with some hot young guy right now! I get why the mlcers do it!

Onwards.

Hope you all have a nice week.