Thanks Davide! Yeah, I think that over time, as you better understand your emotional responses to a variety of things, you can figure out how to manage that and come out better. I remember reading here on someone's thread that really stuck with me, and it went something like this - let your values drive your reactions; don't let other people's actions determine your reactions.
That has helped me a lot.
About getting to deciding to initiate D - when I say 'patience' for that decision, it is not to see if the other person has made changes and has turned around. I mean that you've come to a place of equilibrium and stability for yourself that D is going to be a fact in your life, not something that determines who you are and your future. And that is the place of strength that action needs to come from. If it's from desperation or to get a reaction, it will most certainly backfire.
Yes, her continued lack of growth does make the decision easier. She gets unattractive to me every time I really interact with her. I don't want to be with someone who hasn't figured their $hit out. It won't ALL be figured out, but there has to be something to show for and a dedication to stay on that journey.
About the toxicity, the D isn't going to get you there. Going NC/dark will do almost about the same thing for toxicity. If you feel like the D is needed for mental and emotional closure, my hunch is that you will probably feel good that it's done with for a little bit of time. But then everything will creep back in - your insecurities, your depression, your loneliness etc. Unless you have actively worked on those things, the D won't solve what your true problems are. Just like the separation, the D is a distraction and running away from problems. If you want do D so that you can feel ethical in dating, then that's cool - I cosign that. But D won't help you with your problems.
There is a really fab thread on 'standing' somewhere here. I have bookmarked it on a different computer. I will try to find it and post it for anyone to read. I do think that 'standing' is such a personal decision, just like D. I can't advise anyone here to stand or go get a D. I don't know where you're truly at and only you can make that determination.
I believe I have detailed in this thread somewhere why I will be moving forward with the D in the next few months. And it's not because I gave up patience or stopped standing. I just took a long term view of the timeline if potentially things could turn around. And that timeline is very long and filled with too many variables. And there is not a single indication that she is interested in that. I also want to find love and have a partnership in the future, and I want to go out and explore the dating world. I won't do that until I have the D done because it will represent me truly coming out of the other side of the tunnel as a better person and having reached my short-term personal milestones in life.
I don't think you're showing lack of perspective. I think this is complex and everyone has to make their own determination. D or no D, the most consistent messaging I have heard from old-timers who pop by once in a while to share an update is this - they all wished that they had moved forward with their lives much earlier than they did and focused on themselves and their healing with more vigor; and the version of them now is far stronger and better than before.
My biggest take away from my experience is this - focus on becoming emotionally fit and take ownership and accountability and engage the struggle on a daily basis. There is no other way to come out on the other side without the struggle and pain. You can have the most wonderful family and community to support you, but at the end of the day, they cannot make you do anything. You have to do it. No savior is coming. The quicker people can get that and train their mindset, their life will change for the better without a doubt.
