Need Guidance moving from new comer to MLC,

[peacetoday]

Marina

Just catching up on your situation


Its hard to see now, and it is very painful to go through the mediation and D

But eventually things usually seem to fall in place for most of us-

Your W may decide she doesn't want 1 week custody as time goes on
Usually the MLCer parent loses their ability to parent as time goes on and many seem to let go of the kids
somehow the kids manage to survive the trauma and with one conscious parent they still thrive and many turn out just fine-

If you can practice in your mind - a new mantra-once you start practicing new thoughts -better feelings will take the place of the painful ones-we move into acceptance and we practice letting go to what is already happening-
-
I am OK- I am healing- I can let go of W- I can do this-I am here to help kids-I am doing this
I always get the help I need- the kids are ok

Your are doing very well and the pain will pass
the hardest part is over-
all the best

[OneArt]

Mediators can't really order you to counseling. They are there to promote agreements outside of judicially determined outcomes. To the extent the mediator believes counseling would be helpful, it is likely to benefit the children in the transition because they are concerned about how high the emotions were in the process, and not to promote a reconciliation. It is simply not their place.

[DnJ]

Hello marina7.

Kyh, OneArt, and peacetoday are awesome folks. I agree with their sage advice.

You will be alright, you really have survived the hardest part.

I am just frustrated. I wish W would vanish like some other
Mlc or waw is easier then having someone constantly their.

This I have experienced. At the time all I wished was for W to come back and be part of my / our lives. I would have given anything for that to happen. I was so very addicted to W.

Is it easier? Having never experienced having W around and involved, I don’t know. I think all of us think something different would be easier. Looking back none of this was easy, however some of my actions did make things more difficult.

I don’t know if you read the bit on wishes, hopes, and expectations. I am glad to see you only wish W was gone, keeping that desire on the fantasy non expectation side of things will be easier.

I am also glad to see that you let all that frustration out here. It is a good place for it. Vent we understand.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself a few days to find your center again. A lot has happened, a lot of new information to absorb. Once your feet are under you again, dust off and keep walking your path.

You are doing really good.

[marina7]

Thank you Everyone as you all said alot to absorb in one day and a gut punch
Finding out W been in contact with my family and biological parents

At one point W was very protective of kids. W was all about protecting them.
Now it seems W throwing our kids to the wolf.

Unfortunately I realized I must stop protecting my kids keeping them
in a bubble I must have a deep conversation with them about my job was
to keep them together and it's done.

Answering questions about therapy, still not sure if my
Therapist will agree I trust my therapist will know best.
If therapist says No then I believe therapist will guide me

Honestly as I said it's about the kid's also I know
God will watch them. I realized W is in a path to destroy Us.

Now healing again begins for me. As I won't lie the last 3 days lots
of tears crying myself to sleep. Vomiting because it feels horrible the betrayal
W did of putting our children back in the hands of abusers.
And many will ask the Judge even in the worse case of child abuse will
allow supervised visit. Wow. I could be there present also in visit or just W.

Also I was a stander and honestly after days of thinking I am not sure I will stand
for W as our family values are different W has showed a side I never imagined.

I have contacted my therapist will be seeing her Tomorrow and going back to group church

Now I read alot, my mom has also gave me good advice maybe W needs this
W needs to see its not as easy W thinks. In the time of us having our 3 kids I always
been more the care taker doctor appointment when they are sick, when tummy hurts or anything like that
W never been that mommy type she was more if they fall and scrape knee W would say walk it off
So maybe given W all the responsibilities she might see and realize oh crap...

Honestly is like me gambling with W. Also W has a very demanding job and W made it
Clear in mediation that nothing going to stop her from growing which I wish her well.

But unfortunately having 3 kids that will be hard. Mediator also said to W that she hopes W job
Understand as W will need to make sure they get to school and out of school and they still
in all activities they where with me. D10 in girl scouts, band, art and STEM. S9 in art class and band and boy scouts.

I did say they must stay in all activities and ve involved as I was I had several surgeries but in a week of back surgery over 100 stitches I was back to taking care of my kids the school was in shock to see my strength.


All I can say time will tell with all this. Only thing I can do is take the back seat and watch all this.

I'll take all advice and 2x4 as we are all learning and some have been in worse situations or same .
I know I don't know it all I am taken all advice from here. I have followed many advices as they have helped me and kids

Again Thank you. For all of you.

[OneArt]

Just a thought, when I was looking for the custody statute in your state I saw that in Illinois you can ask for a right of first refusal. You would have to have this written into your agreement. But basically if she is unable to care for the children because of work, a trip, etc., then she has to give you the option of having them before she brings in a third party (unless an emergency where there was no time to notify).

I think it very likely she will quickly find that it is overwhelming, as I said in my earlier post. Also, if she doesn't derive any pleasure from watching you unhappy about what she is doing (having the kids around others, etc.) then she may well stop doing it.

[marina7]

OneArt,
Yes that I was told by GAL, basically just W and I, W did
like that very much due to OW. W was angry but hey not my problem.

At drop off this weekend W didn't say much as I didn't. W was
Pacing back and fourth in parking lot. I just didn't say nothing.

As I mentioned lots of blaming me in mediation. W even brought up
an emotional affair I had about 5yrs ago which I thought I was forgiven
W is trying to play the Victim. I said to mediator

Yes I had an emotional affair around 2014, going to therapy has
help me realize an affair is an affair I have apologized to W several times
I know my 51%of why my marriage dissolved. I know it was wrong of me
I caused W pain 5yrs ago but I thought we pass that. That shouldn't given the
Right for W to take s10 and leave d10 and s9.

My lawyer agreed and said this affair is irrelevant as W left and now trying to
justify her behavior.

W has blamed me of her being this way now.

I know that I believe I went through my own crisis 5yrs ago
One day I was happy and the next day I was in love with a old
friend from FB who lived 1200 miles away. The difference is I never acted on
my affair. And never left my kids.
I remember driving and a semi truck head light was blinking and boom is
like I woke up I went home told W am so sorry I was not
sure what I was doing. From 2014 when W forgave me I
thought I did but nothing to show W I loved my family.
I became glingy and never lock my phone proving to W
I love her and my family.

Now this is why I say I take 51% of relationship failing I know
What I did wrong. But now W is the Victim and mediator feels sorry for W.

[marina7]

Journaling,

Mediator called me and said why did you tell W I am sorry you feel that way...

Me... ummmmmmmmm I am sorry but I am dried up in tears I have cried so much in 1yr and 6 months...
I feel mediator thinks there's hope...

I am in a place am looking forward I can't go back to 2014. I only could
focus on now. As for now I am not who I was 2014

I am not sure what W wants. Tears. Begging.. I won't
To much hurt its turning to hate. I know big words..

W swears she went to school to meet d10 and s9 teacher they
ask W many questions kids said mom why you lied to us while I an
Washing dishes in my world.

W keeps changing her story to kids. I am always keeping myself busy when kids are talking


I can't lose my insanity because of W. I must keep looking forward
And taking care of us.

[Kyh]

Hi Marina,

In my case and many others here, the lbs is the target of their anger and blame at least Until shortly after D, and then they cool off for the most part.

I’m sorry she’s introducing the kids and taking the decision away from them. Idk why anyone would do that but I bet it is some issue from her childhood. I see it a lot w my ex.

You last post reminded me, if you haven’t, you should speak w/the kids teachers too (who knows what they’ve been told) and let them know the basics and making sure you get included on everything.

Get some rest and focus on yourself and kids.

[DnJ]

That was a good question from mediator. Why do you tell W - I am sorry you feel that way.

We say it because it validates spouse’s feelings.

We say it because we are advised to.

We say it because we don’t know what else to say.


Eventually you realize the most important reason.

You say it because - you are sorry she feels that way.

You say it because it’s true.

[Gordie]

Marina

Like DNJ said

We say things sometimes because it is part of d b

To protect ourselves and detach and in hopes of saving the m

I am good at this most of the time

But sometimes I say things from my gut

And I never regret the truth