I'm Broken III

[HelenaJ]

Some concerns should be why you feel like you lost so much

The years we've spent in this house have really been good years, minus the 4.5 years since the company party so that would be about 5.5 years. Those were our best years together, I was happy. I would never EVER have done anything to put me back in this situation because what I went through so many years ago left me with PTSD that would give anyone nightmares. I cannot believe that I am back in this situation.....I just never saw it coming.

you have so much more to look forward to

If it were just me, I really do believe this. But it's not just my happiness that I have to look out for and I just don't know what is best.

your guilt drove you to accept this

True, and a lack of self worth that plagued me from my childhood but I had really gotten past so much of that as I've gotten older. But there was a lot of "trauma bonding" with my H when he and I met. It's really kind of sick and I don't know if it's worth getting into here or at this stage of my healing, but it bonded me to him in a way that only a very damaged young lady would have tolerated. I feel so bad for her and wish I would have known that I deserved better. Such is life.

If what you did was so outrageous then he should have moved on, he chose a different course of action and that was to torment you.

He always says it's for the kids. He makes it sound so noble. He'll say "you think I wanted this? You think I *wanted* a wife I can't trust? I have accepted that this is how you are, that I cannot trust you with my heart. But my kids are more important than my happiness." And so it is.

On a different note, have you ever gone to Cape Charles?

No, I believe it's on the Eastern shore and it's on the way to the YMCA summer camp that my kids go to and my boss mentioned it a year or so ago saying that it's really a quaint little town. I put it on my list of things to do but that list of things to do with H has gotten lost to say the least, lol. Anyway, it sounded like a cool little place, so you should definitely check it out if the opportunity arises. I hear they have darts there too

I ran 20 miles this week, I am going for 25 next week. Lets step it up you have to catch your son.

Good job!! I will not be catching my son in this lifetime! It's been so freaking humid ugh. But yes ok, I'll try to get some miles this week!

On another note, Tuesday I am meeting with the two surgeons who will be performing my surgery in the next month or so and I'm really hoping they can find and eliminate whatever has been causing my abdominal pain. Fingers crossed.