I'm Broken III

[HelenaJ]

Finally, with the disclosure of a long affair and then carrying it out in my face and the coldness and nastiness to me and the kids. It was too much.

My H would not have an A, I would fall over dead from shock if that ever happened for a lot of different reasons. He is not perfect but he likes to act like he is.

I guess I don't understand why you are living like this and how you think it is good for the kids.

I wanted to leave but H convinced me that is the most selfish thing in the world, told me it was "child abuse" and that I would be messing up my kids....his texts about it got very mean and he started referring to the kids as "my" kids, etc. In addition to that, I'm afraid my children will be angry with me. There are a few examples on this board of kids who are very angry with the parent who left. Some people think marriage is to be saved at all costs and that to walk away makes you a horrible person who evidently doesn't even deserve the love of their own children. In addition to that, my H is all I've ever known and I'm afraid that I will regret leaving for the rest of my life. In addition to that, I still love him and can't bear the thought of him being with someone else or having to share my kids with a stepmom. Or having to introduce my children to another man...who they might not like or god forbid could hurt them in some way. I'm filled with fear because if I leave it will be even more up an uphill battle with H than it is now. He will fight me every step of the way and I just don't have the energy for that kind of negativity....I just don't know if I can do it.

Remember, you can either change your situation or change how you feel about it (but only over the parts you control).

I've been trying to change how I feel about it. I've made a lot of progress honestly. At least in my daily life. When new events come up or we have to go somewhere or I have to talk about things as though they are normal I tend to still get emotional. There have been several events over the past 8 months that have been very, very difficult to experience under the circumstances of how things are between us.

If he is a good dad now he will probably be a better one away from all the drama and pain.

There's not a ton of drama. And H is really really good at acting like he couldn't care less about what is happening between us. He would never show me that he's in any kind of pain. Ever. He would rather me think that I am not worth being upset over, that's how he plays the game. That's how he's always played the game.

Both of you seem determined to gut it out. For what? Why are you letting him hold you hostage?

He says it's for the kids. For me, I believe we could give the kids more love and attention even separated than most kids get in families that are together, but only if we worked together. I feel like H would fight me so much that I'm not sure we'd be able to coparent very well and that would not be good for the kids. And because being in H's approval is where I've tried to stay my whole life. He's very ugly when he's angry at me but otherwise he can be very thoughtful and giving. He gets angry at stupid things sometimes because he really is pretty controlling, but it's worth the effort to stay on his good side because the alternative is not fun. Doing something intentionally that I know will spark his wrath is a very scary path for me....he has a lot of control over me emotionally because I was so young when we met and because I still love him.