She says she is holding me accountable and pushing me to be better, which in fairness is kind of working because I value her input and it motivates me.
Who is holding her accountable? You see, when/if the WW makes the decision to end her affair and save her M, it's the H who holds her accountable. So, like several other things, this is completely out of order. As always, she is treating you as if she is your employer. She's just calling it by nicer term.
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However, I feel like no matter how hard I try, there is just more criticism. If I forget one task, I hear never ending comments on me being irresponsible, procrastinating, etc. If I say the wrong thing, she claims I am always rude and treating her badly. Some of the stuff she says aligns with my true weaknesses and I understand her point, but I'm left wondering if I'm really THAT bad. I really try to self-assess and reflect, but it's sort of bizarre to feel like you're doing the right things and see no positive effects.
Do you feel you are back to the place you were when you joined the board (hopefully. minus an A)? B/c what you said in the quote above, sounds very familiar.
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Yet, the issues remain and I guess that's not surprising because they will take a long time to solve.
Some issues do take time, especially if it involves healing. However, I think you are stuck in this way of thinking that none of this should be surprising. It should not be an excuse to accept how she treats you.....by saying, "Well, this will take a long time". No, you have allowed her to treat you this way, and she will continue getting worse. People who know right from wrong can change how they treat others, practically overnight. It's healing that takes times. By what your W says, she already knows what is wrong but she doesn't want to hear it. I think she doesn't want to be told that "she" is wrong and needs to act right toward her H. She prefers do continue things as they are, b/c she wants someone to pick on. It should be unacceptable. Unacceptable means that you won't put up with it.......if you stay in this M. As long as she sees you accepting what she dishes out, then she's going to continue the same old stuff. I usually have to remind impatient posters that it takes time, but in your case, I think a lot more should have been done by this point. So, please stop this mindset that this is all going at a normal pace, b/c I'm concerned it is giving you a victim mentality. As long as you were writing how the two of you were getting along better, then I thought maybe some progress was being slowly made. But then when you stopped posting regularly, I became concerned things were sliding.
You are correct that it takes time when people are having to work through issues. However, if the other person has issues that stem from their raising, family of origin, or years of an unhealthy R........then major professional help is usually required. It also takes time when behavior patterns have to be broken and re-trained. Depending on the individual stitch as to how serious and how long it will take. If there was a lot of bad history in the R with betrayal, abuse, deceit, etc..........it takes time for the healing to be compete. And here's the thing, 44. It takes cooperation to do what is necessary to heal, b/c it does take moving forward and it does take the help of a professional to guide the individual or couple through the healing process. Make sense? Yes, you can call her out about bad behavior and disrespect, but if she has deeper issues that is causing her to act like a control freak, then what steps are being made to work through it? If she has some inner demons, it will affect the MR. Therefore, you have a say in it. How is the MR progressing toward a healthy outcome, if nothing is being done toward the issues that got you here? I mean, I don't know if she has demons from her past. She acts like a spoiled brat who likes to bully, but that's just MHO. I've seen nothing from her that suggest she is trying to change or wants to do anything to having a good MR. As young as you are and no longer than you've been M, just trying to endure each day doesn't seem like a lot of progress at this point. And, you are wearing down........which means you are getting a little weaker. You stay stronger when you are in touch with the board, and reading.
Is she still sleeping in the spare bedroom?
Hope to hear back from you soon. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
