I'm working on it. It's definitely a process. I've never been in such a dark place in my life. Every day is a struggle to function. The past 2 weeks I can't seem to stop crying and it hits me in random places-- the grocery store, the mall... The more I read and think, the more I feel like it's hopeless, like this is his "exit affair." I know that when I see him I'm supposed to be upbeat and act like I'm moving on but I don't know how to find the energy to be that person.
It's been almost 2 months and I haven't had a normal night's sleep yet. Most of the time, I only get 3-4 hours no matter what sleep aid I try. The only ones I haven't tried are Ambien/Lunesta because they scare me and now that I'm on an SSRI, there is a greater risk for serious side effects, so I don't know what to do to sleep again. I think I need to figure that out before I'm capable of much else.
I'm exercising everyday. I make myself eat at least a little healthy food a few times a day. Yoga, a support group, a therapist, an acupuncturist and an aesthetic nurse that's making me look young again... These are my nourishment right now. I've lost 22 pounds and I'm starting to gain muscle, so looking in the mirror is feeling better than it used to. I have a short term plan and a long term plan for myself and I'm mentally preparing a new life for myself.
My biggest problem is that I still don't want a divorce.
Based on The Divorce Remedy and my situation, I should be going dark (which I have been). His response is to match my darkness with darkness. I think he thinks he's doing it for me by giving me space. But it's also easier for him because I know he feels guilty- the last time I saw him he couldn't even look me in the face.
Now I read another book that suggests an effort towards regular connection (non-needy, with no talks about the relationship) and I'm not sure what that entails when your spouse isn't living with you, but now I'm torn about what the right thing to do is.
If he's amenable to seeing each other regularly and maintaining friendship, is that the right thing to so? It feels wrong to me. I feel like I'm a package deal and he doesn't get to have me for a best friend without having me as a wife. It feels wrong to walk beside him without holding hands.
I'm seeing him on Monday to talk and I'm terrified of saying the wrong things and making things worse. What if there is some magical combination of words that will enlighten him and what if what I might have gotten just right, I get all wrong?
