Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[44tries]

ovrrnbw, thank you for your post, it's a great reminder and very true. It really helps to have outside input reassure me that we are still headed in the right direction.

Sandi, I completely agree with you that MC is going to be necessary and, hopefully, a huge help. Only problem is, I don't know if she will go. Last week she brought up that her coworker and his W were 'already' going counseling (they've been married a year I think). I asked where they were going because this installation does not have those kind of services and she said they were going to a different branch's base about an hour away. I got a little excited and said I didn't know that was possible, can we go? She said no. It wasn't a heated argument or anything, but I asked why not and she said because I will only be disappointed and hurt to hear all the honesty, even though I already know it and am in denial (her words). Yes, W, I'm well aware of the issues and not in denial (I didn't say this). Apparently, not 'accepting' her lack of feelings and walking away means I'm in denial that we have MR problems. I think the real reason she doesn't want to go to counseling is because it scares her and she is worried what other people would think; clearly she upholds some stigma about it given her gossip over her coworker. But, the reason doesn't really matter, I just don't know if/how she will change her mind.

The irony is that she tells me I need to go to counseling! In the past couple weeks, she has been acting like I am a total failure and making me feel like trash. She says she is holding me accountable and pushing me to be better, which in fairness is kind of working because I value her input and it motivates me. However, I feel like no matter how hard I try, there is just more criticism. If I forget one task, I hear never ending comments on me being irresponsible, procrastinating, etc. If I say the wrong thing, she claims I am always rude and treating her badly. Some of the stuff she says aligns with my true weaknesses and I understand her point, but I'm left wondering if I'm really THAT bad. I really try to self-assess and reflect, but it's sort of bizarre to feel like you're doing the right things and see no positive effects. My dad is the king of denial, lack of self-awareness, and is guilty of a lot of things my W complains about. I know I am like him in a lot of ways, so it is quite troubling to me to hear my W parroting the same gripes I've heard from my mom and siblings about my dad for years. But, I am doing my best and I truly feel that the best thing I can do is keep trying to make myself better. It's the DB way all along, and I think it applies no matter what stage you are in. If I can't stand there and say that have successfully battled my personal flaws, then I have no grounds to assess the struggle against the MR issues. So personal improvement and working on my hyper-focus, procrastination/time management, and taking more time to think before I speak are my priorities right now.

Also Sandi, I wanted to address the part where you suggest maybe I have given up. Not the case at all. I don't feel despondent about the situation; I am not sure whether or not we will make it all the way, but I'm still focused on giving it the best chance and am at peace with whatever outcome. Some days my resentment is higher than others and I question if it's really worth it, but I'm certainly not giving up. I am working on the resentment because that might be what fuels some of my tone/word choice issues with W. I will try to post more frequently, it's a good suggestion to post on other threads if I don't have an update. It feels like nothing new is happening for my MR lately, which is why I don't have things I feel compelled to post. W no longer mentions anything like D or separation and all of her talk of the future is about 'us'. Yet, the issues remain and I guess that's not surprising because they will take a long time to solve. So, I feel I am at some random mile in the marathon, with nothing terribly exciting happening, which is fine.