I'm in a good mental and emotional place right now, so I want to take this period to hammer this out:
R after BD so soon is something I have always wanted. That being said, if you want to use my example, the 8 months since BD and the four months of DB/GAL, making mistakes, MC, NGS C, has allowed me to grow in other aspects that I never thought possible. Maybe my results very from person to person, but I am painfully realizing that the R that I had was pretty toxic. To the point where I hid behind R for a lot of my life issues (as did she). Once the rug was pulled out from under me, I was forced to work on myself, because I could not control W or her love.
I don't think if I R as quickly as you I would have faced my 30 year plus demons (V pointing out my FOO Family of origin and Steve85 on my NGS issues), or taken so many steps to learn more about myself and expand in many ways (except my waistline).
What I'm trying to get to is, while you're piecing so quickly after BD, work excessively on yourself. GAL (to the max). 180, all that jazz.
Me dishing out advice sounds hypocritical, I know. But I have two thought processes currently active:
- One based on emotions, caused by anxiety due to external factors (W with OM primarily), which sends my reasoning crashing into the "emotional-based-decision" territory. 999/999 times when I acted upon those thoughts it ended badly. This is still my primary thought process because of the trauma I have suffered and continue to suffer through my W's involvement with OM.
- The other is based on my logical thoughts, brought upon by me being calm (thank you Buspar and the occassional dose of Xanax). It's from my logical thoughts in conjunction with a great MC, DR/DB books, and a DB coach that I'm able to see a lot of positives coming out in regards to my sitch. It was also those logical thoughts that allowed me to dig into the reasons why I'm in the sitch I'm in and begin to fix myself. I started gaining steam on fixing myself about three months ago and I'm making more improvements regularly.
It took me five painful months to realize that before I started to work on turning myself around. Things appear to be gaining steam as it was just LAST WEEK that W acknowledged the changes and the effort I'm putting in to make the changes to better myself.
Right now, my emotional thinking is about 70% and my logical thinking 30%. Last month when I started posting and reading the DR/DB books, I was at 90% emotional and 10% logical thinking. So even though I've been here daily complaining about how bad this is and asking for analysis on every single encounter with W, I have been able to grow and I'm seeing a trickle of good things. I'm trying to keep it under control, because I know that this is a roller coaster journey. And it's going to take months of consistent actions and responses from W to determine whether R will take place or not.
Where am I going with this? I'm saying that it's great that you're piecing, but take. it. slow. Work on yourself. Our W fell in love with us not because of our insecurities and need to be "rescued". They fell in love with us because of we were strong, lived by our own morals, had boundaries, communicated well, and made compromises as needed for the better of our relationship. Don't forget your roots. Talk to W about why she fell for you in the first place and work on that. Hard. Face and deal with your insecurities. Hard. You have a great opportunity to ask her. I'm slowly working my way towards asking W for the same thing, but I need to work harder for it.
