I'm Broken III

[HelenaJ]

Why are you thinking about giving up alcohol?

I've started to view it more as a poison, it's about taking care of me and taking care of my body. I'm a naturally forgetful person, throw alcohol in the mix and who knows what percentage of my life I'm forgetting even if I've just had one or two glasses of wine. And most obviously, I never would have lost track of time at my company party and talked to someone of the opposite sex for so long if I had not been drunk. People say you can't blame things on alcohol but I am. My marriage would not be where it is right now if I had been sober that night. It just causes problems and most people can't just stop at one. It's become such an ingrained part of our culture now that you're almost considered weird if you don't drink. So, I'm not sure what the future looks like with alcohol but I know my perception of it is changing and overall my life would be better without it. If I were to be single again, I certainly would not trust my judgment if I had been drinking. I'm too impulsive and have a tendency to think the world is great and we're all best friends. It's a bad mix.

In your situation leaving the marriage definitely sounds difficult at this time with your kids being at such a vulnerable age but fixing your marriage isn't happening either so what can you do?

Nicole, if I ever separated, ending my marriage would not be on the agenda. I would be leaving because it would be the last chance for my marriage to WORK. And if it doesn't, then honestly, I would know I made the right decision by leaving. I get all hung up on thoughts about seeing my H with another woman or sharing my kids with a stepmom. These kinds of fears keep me where I am. I'm working on dealing with these kinds of thoughts.

You dont want anyone to give you advice anymore bc its conflicting in some ways.

Yes, this is part of it. For every person that understands what I'm going through from my perspective there is someone who doesn't and I just can't explain myself anymore. I have to move forward and I don't want to go backward. The past is in the past and Lord knows I have spent YEARS of my marriage paying for the past. I get to say when enough is enough, no one else.

Now how did you do in the 5K? Looks like you had great weather.

The 5k was fun, it was the first race I've done where I ran my own pace. I did a race with my daughter several years ago but I was a volunteer parent to run with a group of 11 year olds haha! Then I did a Color Me Rad race, but again, that was with my kids. So anyway, my time was 30.30. I'm not a super fast runner but that's actually pretty good for me. I've only just recently started running the 5k distance, I usually run 2.25 and then I decided to do the 5k so I started running 3 but I've only done it three times, race day included. So I'm ok with my time! The race environment brings out my competitive side so that made it fun. And yes, the weather really was great. The race was at 7am so it was just in the low 70s and running by the water on the boardwalk is always a beautiful backdrop.

I don't think I'll ever run any farther than an 8k. People like you who can run a half or more are a different breed than me hahahaha!!