Standing our ground - together as a family

[Gerda]

I love how you protect your girls and let them make their own choices, that must be so comforting for them to have a dad who's got their backs. All the other pain that they feel about their mom must end up getting washed away in some large part by being able to rely on you like that. I can just imagine how exhausted you are by the endless drama. I feel the same, that mystification of why can't they just make one choice and live by it.

One thought I had while reading this post -- I see it as a blessing when my H shows interest in my kids, even if everything else he does is so frustratingly insufficient or downright wrong, mystifying, disgusting. That neighbor is not a friend to you if she told you those things; what good could that possibly serve and what purpose could she have in telling you that except to make you feel the drama or the pain or something more? And it's not like she is really telling you anything you don't know about the total confusion and desperation of your exW's mind. Of course your exW is saying those things, she is deep in the madness and they all say that and more. Of course she thinks she can fill the daughter-sized hole with a dog. But we know she can't. I hope that one day the blinders come off for her, and she can try to earn their forgiveness.

You know that Native American story about which wolf in your heart wins, and the answer is the one you feed? I know it's been endlessly posted, but I will post it below in case needed. I try to continue to feed the tiny shrunken version of the good in my H when I am given an opening to do so, even if it's rare, even or especially if he doesn't do the right thing before I do it or after I do it. I also like my kids to see that I continue to try to walk in the light no matter what H does. I try to always offer him news of the kids, send photos, etc. Not everyday as I would if we were a real couple, but just once or twice a week when there is something worth sharing, the same things I would send his mom. I totally see why you are not wanting to do that to protect your girls from her and to establish a boundary but sometimes I wonder what would happen if you did it simply and with no expectation. Not that it would fix her, not that it would wake her up, but that it would free you to be able to sometimes share that news, and that you never know which wolf you might be feeding in her, but at least you know you are walking in the light no matter what your exW does. We can see very clearly the evil wolf in your exW, but sometimes we forget that her evil ways can feed the same wolf in us if we don't very carefully avoid feeding it.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”