Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[AnotherStander]

Thanks all. So maybe I'm a little further along in this detachment thing than I thought.

The co-parenting situation that we have is very much like the ones described above. My W and I are in contact with each other about once/week on the average. Exchanges are quick, mostly over txt, and always revolve around the kids. In-person kid exchanges only happen once every 2 weeks on a Saturday afternoon. Otherwise, school drop offs and pick ups act as the go-between. In person, we are cordial to each other but I almost never talk to her about what's going on in my life. There have been times when she's related details about things going on with her. I listen and acknowledge but I don't comment much and I never offer any opinion unless she asks for one. We meet with a family counselor once/month to discuss the kids, but there has been no discussion about our relationship/marriage for over a year now.

I suppose this is about as dark as I can get with her. I mean, let's be honest, I really don't have a choice anyway. She decided to leave the marriage, move out, and have the kids live with her part-time. Other than litigating for more custody than I have now, there isn't much else for me to do. The feelings I still have for her pop up on a regular basis but I never let them show. As far as she's concerned, I'm moving on and no longer pursuing. I'm sure deep down she knows that I'm not happy with the way things turned out.

You do sound pretty detached Chris, all of that sounds great! Spot on as far as listening to her about personal things but not offering up anything in return. Still having feelings for her, well of course you do. I doubt that ever goes completely away. I still do for my XW on some level. Not to the point where I'm pining away for recon, but I still have some love for her and respect her.

I felt the same way to some extent, knew my wife, although a WAS (not WW), thought she was putting on a good front but never thought she had the resolve to carry through...well, 2+ years later, living as a single parent much like you. She proved me wrong...I often want to tell her that, and say congrats, good job, you proved me wrong, now look at things! But I do think we both underestimated our wives, these women are either very stubborn or just plain done (or both).

Yeah add me into that mix as well, LOL! I don't think I thought we'd ever really end up D'd, I thought we'd bounce back. And now, I think even if my XW was dying to recon she'd never say so because she is just that stubborn. I think to her it would be admitting she was wrong to friends and relatives and wouldn't be worth it because of that (even though I doubt anyone would care).

With young children, I will never understand it (in the absence of adultery, abuse, alcoholism, etc., which didn't exist in our sitches), it doesn't make alot of sense. The financial stress it has caused, the turmoil and the effect on the children, the stuff our children are necessarily denied, is hard to reconcile with someone not being as "happy" as they might otherwise be or think they should be...and I'm not all that convinced that my wilfe is any happier, she apparently was dating someone for a bit but appears to again be single.

Very similar to my sitch as well. My XW and I collectively had an impressive income, we really wanted for nothing. I would stop short of saying we were rich but we were quite well off. Now? Well I make more than she does and it's been a struggle. I haven't put money into savings since BD. She was never very good at budgeting so I know she's got to be struggling too. I just mentioned in another thread that per what my daughters have said she is still suffering with sadness and depression. I don't know what she thought she would gain through S and D, but it doesn't sound like she found it. But I don't know, maybe she really is happier this way.

I would still reconcile if she was so willing but I do feel with the amount of time that has passed, I don't feel the same way. I'm not certain if she knows anymore that I would consider reconciliation. She might in fact believe I have moved on, I show no real interest. And on my end, I'm not thinking about her nearly as much as in year 1 and can spend time with her and the kids without getting super angry later while alone.

You never know what might happen. I have a friend that reconciled with his XW after being divorced 10 years!!! They've been remarried for 3 years now I think. I'm not sure what the situation was that brought them back together, I'll have to ask him. Not sure if you've read the Married Man's Sex Life Primer but in it he talks about how you're at a distinct advantage with your W/ XW because at some point she was attracted to you enough to want to be married to you. You were her "type". There might be a lot of women out there that think you are too tall or too short or too hairy or too hairless or whatever, but to her you struck the right balance. So even though she walked away, you ARE still her "type". Chances are actually better she'll be attracted back to you some day then they are that she'll find another "you" out there.

I am still cautious about saying or doing anything that would let her know how I really feel because she had not said or done anything to show me that feels differently than she did two years ago. She has a couple times in the past 2 months revealed a familiar smile, a flirty smile, but that's it, she's very careful to tie the kids to all communication by text or email (although she has told me a few personal things lately about her day-to-day life...work, fitness stuff, what her friends are up to, etc.).

Well don't show your cards, but hey, it's been long enough that you might flirt a little and see how she responds. You can always pull back again. No harm as long as you don't have any expectations.

Anyway Chris, I thought you (and AnotherStander and Gordie) were (are) the great DB'ers on her (along with Maika and Joseph who are about a year behind us), one or more of you guys will find your ex-wife knocking on your door one day, of that I'm sure, and you will have a decison to make.

Thank you, that's very kind of you! And you have lumped me in with some great DB'ers And I agree, I have a feeling that some day some or maybe even all of us will be surprised to find our WAS's showing interest again. Unfortunately they usually wait so long that we well and truly have moved on, and allowing them back in seems almost as impossible as letting them go seemed before.