Hi Ginger1 and OneArt, here's the follow-on to your messages - this is the part where I'm really stuck and this is why I can't get past the repetition. I just don't know how to move on more than I have. I really apologize to everyone for writing the same stuff but I'll do it one more time just to ask the question based on this context. I packed up and moved 1,000 miles away, rented an apartment in my own name without my husband, found a full-time job with my own insurance, stopped contacting my husband completely aside from one time when our daughter was really sick earlier in the summer, did many 180's after identifying my own weaknesses and behavior that contributed to the downfall of the marriage, and I've done GAL more than I ever did even in college. I'm living independently as 100% single parent with no help from my husband so he's off-the-hook aside from the money he sends us. I've spent thousands on counseling and therapy this past year and I'll probably soon start again. I've tried to accept the fact that I turned 40 and have more physical flaws and I'm trying to find a way forward where I don't let those flaws weaken my self-esteem in light of the 20 years olds my husband has dated. I've tried to at least imagine getting into a future relationship and how that might happen (or not).
I just don't know what more to do. I hear you loud-and-clear that I should move on but what more can I do? The only further step I see is to get into a new relationship because ultimately I loved sharing my life with someone. Sure we can all live single but most of us would be lying if we say we're truly happy alone and have no desire to share our lives with someone special.
Perhaps the answer is to stop talking about that final glimmer of hope, to suppress it both internally and externally, and to present an image that I've moved on to the world and even to this forum and that is the next step? It doesn't feel intuitive to do that but is that what others have done?
Jim, you say fake it 'til you make it so maybe this is what you're saying. Is that right? I can also try to convince myself that my husband isn't coming back since even getting fired didn't make him stop and think about his life. On the other hand he's still on a trajectory towards becoming closer again. I heard him asking our daughter on the phone how I'm doing. He's been applying for jobs in the Midwest and said "I'm doing this for us, so I can support us." He's been calling more often and he's more like his normal self. My sense is that he's been dating someone again recently but I doubt it's serious or else he'd disappear again or start pushing for divorce again. He hasn't asked to spend the night here, so obviously he's not willing to take any risks, but I'm still waiting to see where he finds a job and decides to live.
Jim, I'll also try harder to keep an open mind and to be honest if I meet anyone. I still don't feel comfortable with dating but if I meet someone where there's mutual interest we could try meeting and talking and see where it goes. It's hard not to have those obstacles because my whole life has been based on sets of rules and limitations that served as a safety net and helped in making the right decisions (except for marrying my husband obviously). It's hard to let go because if I just go with whatever emotions I feel at the moment I might end up with someone who isn't right for my daughter or who will have the same characteristics as my husband. I'll try to let go but not to the extent where I make bad decisions. It's a new area for me. I have no interest in starting over with a new man but I know as time passes I can't depend on my husband coming back.
I will try to find a new counselor and I'll keep trying to get past this point of being stuck. I'll keep everyone posted on how this happens and I greatly appreciate advice from those who've made it past. Thanks again.
