My mood has spiraled downward this week. Things have been rough at work and I feel constantly exhausted both physically and mentally. Dealing with pre-teens all day long is stressful and I am struggling to muster the energy necessary to handle them. Things are not going well, and that is leading me to feel worse about myself. I know that I should cut down on the exercise, but those are the only moments of my day that I feel good and present, and allow for socialization.
How much this is related to the stress of interacting with W recently, I don't know. It is certainly related to my sitch. I talked with my IC today, and he was concerned enough to ask me about getting on meds, but I'd still rather not.
Last night I came home from a (great) bike ride with friends and found a note from the W. It was an attempt to be sweet and thoughtful, reminding me that if I ever need anyone to talk to for any reason that I can always count on her. She called me "beloved, always" as well. It really just generated anger as I have come to see the disconnect between her words and her actions. If love is a choice and an action, she has clearly chosen not to love me. Similarly, I always counted on her (too much) and turned to her to talk about everything, but she left and isn't there for me. I very clearly can't count on her. It pissed me off because of the hypocrisy and also because it seems like an obvious attempt on her part to assuage her guilt while just putting me in a worse mood for having to deal with these emotions.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
