I've been following some of the threads on here and I think, hope I've come to the right place.
My H and I have been together 16 years, married 14. We have 2 daughters, 8 and 12. BD was about 10 months ago ("I am not happy", "I don't know why", "I don't think we can change", "I don't love you the way I use to").
I now know he was unhappy before BD because he started to change.
- He went on holidays without the family (2 stag dos a week each, 1 to catch up with his friend, and another to attend a wedding abroad) in the space of 12 months - He was going out more (it use to be once every few months up to twice a month) - He started becoming irritable - He started to not be present (he had a better relationship with his phone then with his family - He became obsessed with going to the gym (two to three hours a day) - He bought a VERY expensive car without consulting anyone - He got a hair transfer and his teeth whitened - He was irritable and starting fights - He was about to turn 40.
Anyway, round about October last year, I brought all this up, I cried, he cried, we held each other, and we promised we would try and do better. Then came the worst two weeks of my life. He started to distance himself fully. He started to sleep on the extreme edge of the bed. He started to walk the long way round rooms to avoid me, leave the room or look down on his phone to avoid catching my eye. He started sleeping really really late and then staying in bed in the morning. Anything to avoid a conversation.
I convinced him to attend MC. We lasted three sessions, in which he raged at all my faults and rewrote our history. T. If I tried to defend myself, he would say "see, she's starting to shout", so I didn't. I just sat and listened, my memories of us; the reasons we became a couple in the first place, the night he proposed, our wedding day, the days we discovered we were pregnant, burning in flames around me, Eventually he said it was a waste of my money (I was paying for the sessions) and that all it did was force him to articulate his feelings, and all I did was cry. He said it was making things worse. At the same time, the MC contacted me and said she wasn't right for us. He had kept cancelling and re-arranging at the last minute and she wasn't able to offer that level of flexibility. So, that was that.
The next few months were terrible. He would avoid, sneer or belittle me. He was home even less, when he was home he was at the gym. I started to make myself smaller and smaller.
I remember thinking at the time, who is this man who is never home, and when he is, he is either not present, or he is angry. I read in one of these threads the mention of 'replaced by an alien' and then realised that is what it felt like. An alien full of anger and spite.
We had agreed at Christmas that he should move out, we would tell the kids a few weeks before so they would not feel abandoned and it needed to be two bedrooms so the children would feel that there was room for them in his life. This took some time but he eventually moved out in March. He found a two bedroom flat nearby and spent about three weeks getting it ready. It was heartbreaking watching him build a new home. He bought wall stickers for the childrens bedrooms, art for the walls, rugs and cushions. I had taken all the pictures of him and us down and he took these with him. When I visited about a week later (to pick up the kids) he had taken our pictures out of the frames and put the empty frames up. I cried when I got home. At the time I thought it was heartless. But I think he was only doing what he thought he should be doing.
So far, so MLC, right?
This is the part where it starts to diverge from typical MLC behavior. He has become, over the last six months the father I had always wanted him to be. When he has the children (which is frequent), he spends time with them. He takes them to the movies, ice-skating, dinner, parks. He even sent me pictures of the three of them putting face masks on. I spoke to him (one of the few R talks we have had) soon after he moved out, he said that he knows what is important now. He is re-prioritising. D8 said about a month after he moved out that she sees more of daddy now but not as much of me. This hurt. I have not changed. I am still here. Doing what I have always done.
His re-prioritisation does not extend to me. We are still awkward and unsure around each other. We are trying, I think, to be kinder to one another, without giving the other any indication of hope (him to me) or longing (me to him). But every now and then I see the sneer threaten to come out, the flash of anger when he doesn't get his way. He pays more attention to our dog then he does to me. He still walks the long way around the room. He will give everyone a hug and a kiss, even the dog, when he arrives or leaves and then give me an awkward "hi".
That's the backstory. Where are we today.
My children are away with my ILs. This is the first time they have been away without us as we had always felt they were too small to go away without one of us. My H and I had been waiting for the day that they could go away with my ILs so that we could have time together. Instead, he is in his flat (I think) and I am in this big house alone. We have not spoken other than a few children related texts two weeks.
My H has mentioned separation order once since he moved out. I said if that is what he wanted I would not stand in his way. But I would engage a solicitor to review it for me because I wouldn't be able to look at it rationally. He raged a bit, said I was wasting money again, actually the words were "you are taking thousands of dollars away from the childrens inheritance and I will tell them that you did that when they are older", and stormed out. He has not mentioned it since.
So, why am I here. In reading some of the threads I sense people come here because they want to save their marriages. Those that respond, and there have been some beautiful responses in other threads, offer encouragement and guidance. So many of the sites I first encountered when this happened were full of anger and spite and in reading them I became angry and spiteful. That is not the person I want to be. I am moving towards acceptance but need some prodding along the way. My marriage is a good one and I truly believe that my H and I love one another. He is (or was - I think the fog is lifting slowly) depressed and made some poor decisions whilst in the eye of the storm. I know this is a long journey and today, I am willing to walk it.
