Chris, thanks for coming back with an update! I followed your sitch pretty much from its beginning because BD was about the same time as mine (April 2016) and I felt the same way you did for the longest time...I remember you saying at one point that you weren't buying it, that your wife was full of $hit because you knew her so well (at the time). I felt the same way to some extent, knew my wife, although a WAS (not WW), thought she was putting on a good front but never thought she had the resolve to carry through...well, 2+ years later, living as a single parent much like you. She proved me wrong...I often want to tell her that, and say congrats, good job, you proved me wrong, now look at things! But I do think we both underestimated our wives, these women are either very stubborn or just plain done (or both). With young children, I will never understand it (in the absence of adultery, abuse, alcoholism, etc., which didn't exist in our sitches), it doesn't make alot of sense. The financial stress it has caused, the turmoil and the effect on the children, the stuff our children are necessarily denied, is hard to reconcile with someone not being as "happy" as they might otherwise be or think they should be...and I'm not all that convinced that my wilfe is any happier, she apparently was dating someone for a bit but appears to again be single.
As far as I can tell, that's the big difference between your sitch and mine, your ex-wife is with OM and has been for some time, having introduced the kids and all that, that hasn't yet happened on my end. I too have dated here and there but nothing too serious and no real interest for whatever reason. I would still reconcile if she was so willing but I do feel with the amount of time that has passed, I don't feel the same way. I'm not certain if she knows anymore that I would consider reconciliation. She might in fact believe I have moved on, I show no real interest. And on my end, I'm not thinking about her nearly as much as in year 1 and can spend time with her and the kids without getting super angry later while alone.
Recently, for the first time since BD, about 2 months ago, I just started being nicer to her, not "going dark" anymore, which I did for almost 1 year (and I'm talking about not even answering texts, numerous texts, for months, like nothing), turning down an invitation or two to hang out, etc. I let no cake-eating happen, with the kids or otherwise. We have 50/50. But after two years, that wasn't working, it just wasn't. And now we are in a much better place. Certainly no indication of reconciliation or even second thoughts (unless I'm really looking, really stretching) but it has only been a couple months. I fully expect she's wondering what's going on after a year or so of nothing. It's been a real 180. But again, if I was aware of OM, which I'm pretty sure doesn't exist right now, I would not have changed all that much from the no contact and shortness (sometimes rudeness because of the anger) that prevailed for so many months.
So we will see what happens, if anything. I'm in no rush to meet someone new, especially not to make life as a single parent easier. And she doesn't seem to be too interested in other men either, she never once mentioned the guy she was with and certainly didn't introduce the kids (only heard about it after it was over from a mutual friend).
I am still cautious about saying or doing anything that would let her know how I really feel because she had not said or done anything to show me that feels differently than she did two years ago. She has a couple times in the past 2 months revealed a familiar smile, a flirty smile, but that's it, she's very careful to tie the kids to all communication by text or email (although she has told me a few personal things lately about her day-to-day life...work, fitness stuff, what her friends are up to, etc.).
Anyway Chris, I thought you (and AnotherStander and Gordie) were (are) the great DB'ers on her (along with Maika and Joseph who are about a year behind us), one or more of you guys will find your ex-wife knocking on your door one day, of that I'm sure, and you will have a decison to make. For you, I expect yours will once the dude with the older kids fizzles out. I'm not saying this to give you any false hope because I know you are probably past that by now, but blended families are usually an epic failure. It's just not the same in my experience, having dated girls with kids from previous marriages (before this most recent relationship...we have 3 kids) and with many friends that have divorced and hooked up, usually temporarily, with divorced women with kids. There is a palpable difference felt as between biological children/parents and step-children/step-parents, both by parent to kids and kids to parent.
I thought your question above was about not wanting to go dark, but maybe you do and just don't know how to go about it with young children. I can tell you it is possible, but it wasn't working for me. She kept reaching out but there was no chance of any emotional reconnection.
