Hey Paul, first I do agree with Steve that your outlook for saving your M is very good. I don't think your W is two feet out the door like most who come here, more like one foot. You're doing a lot right and a little wrong so I'm going to touch on that:
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She never filed any papers she said because our financial situation isn't great right now and then I would have to leave and it would be hard for me to see the kids cause I would have nowhere to live except for the back of my store.
OK well the reasons don't matter, if she's not filing then count that as a blessing. DO NOT ASK ABOUT IT. No relationship talk at all, don't talk about the M, the D papers, separation, future plans, NOTHING. You've got to remove all pressure from her and all of those things are pressure. She's backing down from D but if you apply even the slightest pressure to her she will go back to full-on WAS mode in a heartbeat. BE CAREFUL.
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Then I got online and did a lot of reading, downloaded audio books, and came to the realization that she was right about everything, but I want to save my marriage, because I am truly in love with her and want to spend my life with her. I realized I had to first of all accept what was happening, realize that if it did happen it would not be the end of the world, and get stronger. I realized I had to change and if I didn't change that there was no chance of saving my marriage. So I set about changing, I lost 18 lbs (another 20 to go). When I was around her I started to listen, I keyed in on what really made her angry. I started coming home when I said I would come home, I started to spend more time with my kids and quality time, and that's been awesome, my kids adore me. I backed off, I didn't attempt to touch her, I spoke softly, I communicated what needed to be communicated, and kept it as simple as possible.
All of that is perfect, keep it up!
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I told her I agreed with her, she was right, and I accept her decision. I apologized for all the times I hurt her and told her I can't go back and fix it, but we need a new relationship, and if that was only a friendship I was fine with it.
OK well that's fine to say once, but don't keep telling her these things. You said it, she heard you, now it's all about ACTION.
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She noted that I was looking good, and she said the change in me was almost "scary" and told me she couldn't believe I can continue. I booked for some counseling on my own, she told me she didn't believe I would follow through. Fair enough, talk is cheap, action is what counts.
Right now she thinks you're making changes as tricks to get her back. You've got to show her CONSISTENT changed behavior over a long period of TIME. So really work hard at keeping those changes going.
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...then she really unloaded on me with a ton of anger, got abusive, I tried to touch her back she told me not to effin touch her, when she got more abusive I got up and told her I was going to bed because I didn't need to be abused. She said "there you go same as always run away when things get hard". So I sat back down and let he unload on me for another 15 minutes. She calmed down, then she started playing more music, then she grabbed my hand and held it. I held her hand sitting there quietly, then I kissed her hand.
Well it sounds like you listened and validated so that is good, but wow it sounds like she has some issues she needs to work through with a counselor. Is she going to IC?
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So that was a couple days ago. So today she is a bit cold not sure what to make of it.
This is very common. The WAS pulls back, then opens up, then pulls back again because they don't "want to give you the wrong idea" or feel they let things go too far. Your response should be to pull back and give her time and space. Just keep doing what you said above- focus on your weight loss, your kids, your business and work in some GAL. DO NOT PURSUE HER because that will just push her farther away. No pressure on her.
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what is my next move? Should I try be more affectionate? Should I slack off again?
Definitely do not push affection on her. Like I said above, give her time and space and work on you. I wouldn't call that "slacking off".
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I confronted my wife today about the texts with the guy from work. She blew up on me and is very angry. No mention of her EA just angry that I looked in her phone, she mentioned that it's controlling, and she's probably right.
This is something you need to work on. Stop that ASAP. No more snooping. When you snoop all you do is gather a bunch of confusing info that you can read several different ways, and if you call her out then it'll only cause resentment and send her deeper undercover.
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If we can't have everything in the open than we can't build a new relationship as far as I am concerned.
You are putting the cart before the horse. First you've got to work to regain her trust and interest. THEN you can work on being open. She is not going to want to be open to you right now so don't push for that. It should be a condition for recon but you are not there yet.
