you are reading into this way too far. She tosses out a bread crumb and you're parading around like you have the whole hog on a spit roast! Good lord man!
If you called and really were hurting, what are the chances she's going to be there for you?
And, to make the dish she's serving all the more bitter, she already says that spending time with you will make her pull away.
She isn't fragile like you say. She is a lion, toying with a little scared sheep. She is a selfish priss who doesn't want to work, yet you can't cut her off, yet she doesn't want a divorce, but she doesn't want to be your husband. Don't you see that every direction you turn is the wrong way. At what point do you pick a direction and hit the gas?
You say she doesn't like anyone, and it appears you're included in this. Who is the common denominator in all these broken relationships???
She is living high on the hog and you are her whipping boy. Things will remain this way for as long as you let them.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She cried multiple times on the phone, when I mentioned 3 options - divorce, continue as is, stop paying support... she said it was a threat to cut her off, I can;t do that, it makes her think less of me.
She says she knows she will pull away if we start spending time because thats what happens when youre hurt. She says she has a lot of healing to do and its going to take a long time.
Okay Did, I copy and pasted the most important parts of your conversation with her.
The above quote is VERY telling of her motivations right now. And it is all about securing your support past September.
If you cut me off I will think less of you: directly plays on your desire to R, and your ego. It is a magnificent example of manipulation! She's good at this. Don't fall for the "I'm so introverted, unassuming, due to all of the emotional abuse I've endured" crap. This line right here proves to me you are dealing with a master manipulator. Look back honestly and open-mindedly at the original agreement for you S and but you still supporting her. Was that really your idea? Or was it hers?
She says she knows she will pull away if we start spending time because thats what happens when youre hurt. WOW, she is laying it on think here. Do you really see what she is saying here? "I know you've supported me for the last 3 months, and I haven't reciprocated that by spending time with you, but I AM THE VICTIM HERE!" She is manipulating you again. She is trying to take away the argument, that you legitimately would get to, that you've supported her for three months in order to work on the MR, but you haven't spent anytime together to actually work on it. She is good!
And finally, She says she has a lot of healing to do and its going to take a long time. AND THERE IT IS! The crux of the entire matter. MORE TIME. IE SUPPORT ME FOR A LONGER TIME! She is trying to set the expectation with you that "if you'll just commit to supporting me for a long time, then maybe I'll come around". Did, she is setting you up. This is gonad check time my friend. Are you going to stand up for yourself here or are you going to roll over?
She is a manipulator. Was she always? Answer truthfully.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
you are reading into this way too far. She tosses out a bread crumb and you're parading around like you have the whole hog on a spit roast! Good lord man!
If you called and really were hurting, what are the chances she's going to be there for you?
And, to make the dish she's serving all the more bitter, she already says that spending time with you will make her pull away.
She isn't fragile like you say. She is a lion, toying with a little scared sheep. She is a selfish priss who doesn't want to work, yet you can't cut her off, yet she doesn't want a divorce, but she doesn't want to be your husband. Don't you see that every direction you turn is the wrong way. At what point do you pick a direction and hit the gas?
You say she doesn't like anyone, and it appears you're included in this. Who is the common denominator in all these broken relationships???
She is living high on the hog and you are her whipping boy. Things will remain this way for as long as you let them.
OVR NAILED IT!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
New lady is very interested in trying to slow things down with her but don’t want to lose her. She deserves a fresh start. She’s is so kind and caring just seems like such a quality person. We communicate better than w and I ever did. And I am using the same communication skills...
I believe I am going to have a very hard conversations with W. She has called me manipulative said I gaslight her etc. I think she projects. Subconsciously . Yes I may have th she tendancies but it’s a 2 way street. You see what I’m dealing with with her. Big part of me is ready to divorce and move on with my life.
Ovr I am not hurting. I am just indecisive on turning the page. I’m happier without W but with d4.
Steve I agree with her motivation. I’m going to tell her point blank. I’m going to write some notes down and talk to her about her manipulating support being her motivation etc. yes she’s is extremely good at it. I don’t think she does it intentionally. But this is who she is. She has always won the verbal debates between us. I used to say why do you always have to win.
Reality in my eyes this marriage is pretty much over. I honestly feel like I could be happier with someone else and have a better life long term. This Is a marriage saving website so I know it may not be what you want to hear. But that’s my honest true feelings. She would have to make huge 180s and I don’t think she’s even close. I think the manipulation goes back to issues from her childhood and she doesn’t realize it at all.
Thank you all for your support
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, we are here for support D or R. None of us believe that someone should stay with someone that doesn' want to be with them! And while R is usually the ultimate goal, the real goal is that the LBS moves forward, D and R, healthier and happier!
If I were you, if this feeling of the MR really being over is real, I would talk to a lawyer, get D papers drawn up, and be ready to move forward with filing. I think once you tell her that support is over until there is a court order in place for support you will see her true colors come out. I think cutting that voluntary support off is a must do step in order to get to the next level.
Think about it from her standpoint. Her bills are paid, she is getting over $2100 to live separate. She has no reason to upset that apple cart. Once you take the apple cart away, her true intentions will be revealed.
Good luck man, I know it is never easy, if if it is the right thing to do.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As soon as she’s feels the support is cut off she becomes a hysterical child. She says the support she gave me to start my businesses and raise Ariel while I built my business is priceless. Maybe true. Maybe manipulative. But we were definitely together and married at the time. She obsesses over d4 and can’t find balance it’s been this way since we had a child. She say she after our long talk the other night she’s couldn’t sleep. Today we had meet the teacher for d4. W is telling me she feels anxious and doesn’t feel good. Says it should because of me but not my fault and I’m doing nothing Wrong. I was being as pleasant and calm as possible. If we’re meant to be together she will recognize what she could have and what she’s losing. I’m going to ask her what her motivation is for spending time together. I doubt she will say anything positive. Talk about the fact that I believe she is subconsciously manipulative and has been for a long time in regard to winning every dispute. Explain that she has anxiety around me she is not kind or caring there are no acts of love or intimacy from her to me. Where’s the desire or the positive chemistry. Jen sexual attraction Ian there for me but that’s not enough for a good relationship. I’ll admit my own faults regarding mental health NGS covert contracts past immaturity and offer to take the blame and responsibility for the marriage failing. That’s not who I am today or who I want to continue to grow to be in the future. There is a 90 day cool down period if you haven’t been separated for 2 years. So there will be 90 more days where she can decide if she wants to commit to working on our marriage. And she will know I’m not always going to be there just hanging around. I have a great life to lead and I’m ready to get on with it one way or the other.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did you sound healthy on this! That's all awesome. Keep your chin up. Remember the goal here is for you to move forward with or without her. Sounds like you're on your way!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve. I'll probably try to talk to her next week. Ovr- youre right she hasnt been there at all. When we had this long phone call the other day I told her she hasnt acted like she has cared about me in a year.
I think she is worse off than I imagined. W told me tonight she is feeling sick again, headache and stomach stuff. Going to try to take care of myself just a little anxiety about getting another migraine. So now we have anxiety about anxiety causing anxiety and headaches..... I said would you think of seeing someone meaning IC or someone to treat her anxiety. She took it to mean a chiropractor.
When I talk to her Im going to say if she wants to work on things she needs to be in IC for anxiety and intimacy and eventually us in MC. Im just at the end of my rope.
Had a great few days with D4. I feel great when I have her. Thats the hardest part about all this. The only way to have her in my life full time is to get back with W...
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
